This boy is thrilled that we are taking pictures. Maybe he was on a post-karaoke high. Or he could be going strong from an adrenaline rush after giving the girl birthday whacks.
November 2008
November 28, 2008
November 26, 2008
Stoner Pie at Gumby's Pizza
I just found out that Gumby's Pizza offers a pizza with pepperoni, bacon, mozzarella sticks and french fries. All of that stuff comes piled on the pizza. Cleverly, this concoction is called "Stoner Pie." I just find this wildly interesting. Here is the only picture I could find:
I love mozzarella sticks and fries, but I don't think I'd want them on top of my pizza. Maybe on the side. Either way, I know what I'm having for dinner tonight! SUSHI!
November 22, 2008
Twilight: The Oscar buzz will be starting ANY minute! (Spoiler Alert)
Last night, I braved the throngs of teenage girls and went to see Twilight. Now I can confidently say that Robert Pattinson is the most attractive person in entire universe, and it seems that...I'm slightly obsessed. Why do such beautiful people exist, if not only to torture us?! They slap him on a screen, and then I'm left to know that we'll never be together...unless I moved to Hollywood and became an actress (which is my dream...well my dream is actually to do Broadway musicals in NYC, but that's another story).
So now I'll cut the crap- the movie was great. It was pretty hilarious. Edward was a riot when he had to sit by Bella in science class (oh- and we all rejoiced when they won the "golden onion"). I also got a big chuckle out of the Cullens making Italian food for Bella. You see, they made her Italian food because her name is Bella, an Italian word...you just have to see it. Oh! And the special effects only added to the humor. When they ran in supersonic speed, they looked like rabid gerbils! It was great.
Some of the romantic scenes were hard to watch. And despite what you may be thinking, NO I don't mean it was hard watching ole' Rob kiss another woman... They were difficult because some of the moments were so awkward. It was like I felt embarrassed for them at some parts. The teenage sexual tension was out of this world! You could cut it with a knife!!! That tension could be derived from the rumored "off screen romance" going on between Pattinson and Kristen Stuart, but that's just according to Life Style Magazine.
Obviously, Pattinson was the perfect Edward. He was a bigger jerk then I made him out for in the books. But what girl doesn't love a little bit of a-hole (ehhh...that didn't quite sound right...you know what I mean)? But yeah, it was fantastic when Bella and him made their big entrance as a couple at school for the first time. Amazing! Some of the finest cinematic work I've seen to date!
A few things I noticed:
- I think they went a little overboard with some of the Cullens' paleness. Carlile's eyebrows were caked with white makeup, AND his ears were a different (more lively) color than his puss (that's another word for face...trust me.) I think Jasper was victim of mime face as well.
- I thought all the Cullens were supposed to be painfully beautiful, and Jasper was not. He looked kind of special...but that might be because he was a young vampire and was just trying desperately to restrain himself from making a snack out of our protagonist.
- The guy who played James (Cam Gigandet, who was Kevin Volchuck- my favorite cokehead from The OC) is hot. Too bad he had to die and can't be in the sequels!
- At one point, Bella was just sitting around talking on the phone to her mother and not wearing any pants. I just thought it was random, and THAT def did NOT happen in the book. Or maybe it did and Meyer just failed to mention it.
- There were a lot of references to monkies. "You better hold on spider monkey," "Look at my monkey man," etc.
So yes, I cannot wait for the sequels! AH! I can hardly stand it. I'm a woman possessed, and I'm not afraid who knows it! And if you haven't guessed, I give Twilight MMMMM! FIVE OUT OF FIVE Ms!
November 20, 2008
November 18, 2008
November 16, 2008
Just Sayin': Lacey Conner = Ultimate Stain!
Lacey Conner is the most annoying person on the planet. I want to throw telephone books at her head. How is she still on Rock of Love Charm School? She's like a roach that won't die (figuratively speaking, of course). Can't Sharon see that she is the devil?! Or is she just still on for ratings?! She makes me insane!!! AHHHH!!! MY blood is boiling! I can't believe Dallas got expelled. Dallas should have beat Lacey up when she had the chance (since she ended up going home for nothing).
Why is Lacey so annoying?
1. She acted like she was a starving artist when she really lived off her dad's money (and she's 32).
2. She acts like she is 14, trying to play games and get in everybody's face (and she's 32).
3. She has Hot Topic-esque dyed neon red hair (and she is 32).
4. She harps and harps about animal rights and she eats SALMON!!! (I don't even eat salmon!)
5. She looks like a wet rat/white female version of Ja Rule.
6. She thinks she's a rock star.
7. She is a master manipulator!
Typically, I try not to point out other peoples' bad points, but I think Lacey is the most annoying person on television (even more so than Gary Busey, Dustin Diamond, Dunbar from Real World, Neveen & Cordilla from Bad Girls Club, Spencer Pratt and Lauren Conrad combined). I just can't help it. I'm sure she would think it's fab that people hate her. I bet she loves it. If you've seen her on TV, you know what I mean. All I'm sayin' is that I'm going to quit watching the show if she's not expelled next week. Oh wait, who am I kidding...I'll never quit.
November 14, 2008
November 13, 2008
Life's Little Riddles: Who takes a segway tour of Raleigh?
Okay! I know Raleigh is really growing, and the downtown area is really booming. I know this. I am downtown everyday, and I love it. I think Raleigh is great. I really do. But there are some things I don't understand. One of these things is the segway tours. Segways are those dopey little two-wheeled contraptions that you stand on and scoot around. Sometimes the meter-maids and security guards have them. Also, if you watch VH1, you may have seen Terry "Hulk" Hogan zipping around on his segway on Meet The Hogans. Personally, I think segways are completely ridiculous. I think they're meant to be compact little scooters or something, but they're huge and bulky and you look like a douche-bag riding one. Why not just ride a Rascal Scooter?! I mean, at least you'd be able to sit down.
So with that said, I will tell you that there is a company that offers guided segway tours of downtown Raleigh. Yeah. They scoot around in my way all day long. I will be stopped at a stoplight, and they will whiz through the crosswalk in front of me. So like 20 people on segways will go by, and they are taking longer than the light! Sometimes when I'm walking downtown, I can't even get across the sidewalk because of all the segways!
Here is a shot of it happening to me today (this lady was, as I like to say, a straggler):
Now the question: who in the world wants to take a segway tour of downtown Raleigh? Are they tourists? And just to be clear, I still think tourists in Raleigh are a myth (like pockets). Are they just people with a day off who want to see the sights? Are they here on business with a little down time? I just don't know. I love Raleigh, but I can't imagine taking a segway tour of it. I can't help it. I think segways wack!
And YES, I know Raleigh's growth is good, but I still hate segways and their tours. Don't even get me started on the bike taxis!
Check out Triangle Segway's websiteto see all the places they go. You will also get to view some really silly photos of people on segways. Actually, please click on it. The pictures make me laugh really hard.
November 12, 2008
Misty Water Colored Memories: Pain is Love
I just found my old Ja Rule "Pain is Love" (so true, right?...haha) CD, and it brought me back to 2001. It's a pretty good CD. Unfortunately, I unknowingly purchased the "clean" version of "Pain is Love," and we all know that the cursing is what makes rap music so enjoyable. You see, this is back when CDs were sold in stores, and KMart (where I bought it) only sold "clean" CDs.
Whatever happened to ole Ja? I used to love him, and I even thought he was kind of cute.. .even if he did look a little like a goofy wet rat. But I really did think he was cute, and now that I'm thinking about it and looking at his photos, I don't know what I ever saw in him. Well, I'm looking again now. Maybe he's okay. Opp, wait...there's a picture of him in jean shorts! So NO! I'M TORN!
Anyways, I did a killer impression of the guy in the Down Ass Bitch music video. You know, the guy who shouted, "WHERE'S JA?!?"
Apparently he's been in some movies, but the last one was in 2005. His last album was 2004. What's he been doing for the last three years? He did get arrested with Lil Wayne for drug and gun possession in 2007. Wikipedia says that he has an album coming out called Mirror (the release date is TBA). If he's friends with Lil Wayne, maybe it could be a smash. I don't know. I'm sure there are a lot more people who are more informed about Ja than yours truly. We'll see what the future will bring for this young rap artist. In my opinion, it will hold bright things.
November 10, 2008
Just sayin'- Why pay more! at Taco Bell
I was on my way home from a run to Wilmington today, and I stopped in at the Taco Bell in Wallace. They had these signs all over the place:
Why do they have an exclamation point? Why don't they have a question mark? It's one of the easiest rules of grammar. In fact, it's probably one of the first grammatical rules that children learn. You always put a question mark after sentences that start with who, what, when, where or why. It's the "5 Ws Rule!" I just used that rule in the first two sentences of this paragraph. If I can do it, anybody can! If they really wanted an exclamation point, they could have said, "WHY PAY MORE?!" Now this seemingly deliberate typo is being seen nationwide. I'm not sayin'. I'm just sayin'...
November 09, 2008
Spotted: Ralph at Haven
Me and my sister went to Haven this weekend. It's a bar/club on Glenwood. I'm pretty sure that place is kinda lame, but we were across the street at Brooklyn Heights and figured we'd stop in a check it out. Well, we walked in and went directly to get a drink. In an effort to grab the bartender's attention, my sister started to lean over the bar. As soon as her skin hit the counter, she pulled away and screamed, "OHMIGODDDD!" Before I knew what was happening, she was running to the bathroom.
Turns out somebody had vomited ON the bar, and NOBODY had cleaned it up. It was just a big pile of upcuck sitting there. Nobody was even pointing at it or acting like it was odd. The bartender wasn't even put off by it. NOTHING.
You might be thinking, Didn't your sister see the throw up? Well, she did see something, and I actually saw something too. It was dark in there though. What she thought she saw was a mosaic tiled bar, and I thought somebody had spilled salsa. I didn't stop her from touching the salsa, because I didn't think she'd put her hands in it.
Well, she went to the bathroom and washed her hands with scalding hot water, and then we went to the bar and ordered 'the strongest shot' they had. Finally some waitress came to clean the bar. She noticed it had been spewed all over, and she just flung her towel over top of it and left. A few minutes later, some dude came and actually wiped it all up with bleach. Either way, Haven was wack, and we left a bit later.
It was just so bizarre. Who pukes on a bar? They couldn't even make it close to the bathroom- not even in the middle of the floor on the WAY to the bathroom. It's like they didn't even try to move from the bar at all. They didn't even turn away from the bar to yak on the ground BESIDE the bar. The culprit must have been sitting there having a dink and just all of a sudden started projectile vomiting without any warning. And it wasn't even late at night yet. It was like 11. And why didn't they clean it up? I mean, the club was NOT crowded. The puke was visable, and I'm sure people noticed the patron blowing chunks all over the place.
So yeah. It was sick, and Haven was lame.
November 06, 2008
Cliff Pant-one's Most Fascinating People: Robert Pattinson
What makes Robert Pattinson fascinating? Well for one,
he is playing Edward Cullen in the upcoming feature film Twilight (based on the
novel by the same name). Edward Cullen is fascinating himself, but I'm
trying to stick to actual people here. Aside from his fortune in the
casting department, there are many more
intriguing tid bits meshing together to construct Pattinson.
For starters, Pattinson is sooo FINE (channeling my 7th grade lingo w/ the “fine…”)! On top of that, he doesn’t bathe. Just the other day, Pattinson was quoted saying, “I haven't washed my hair in about six weeks. It's disgusting.” Oh yeah- he also said that he doesn’t know how to use a washing machine. I mean, he’s only 22... You know, it took me a while to get the swing of operating my more complex appliances as well, so I can’t really judge. I don’t know about you, but I find all that highly captivating. I’m a firm believer that sometimes NOT showering or abiding by ususal standards regarding your personal hygine can actually IMPROVE your looks. In my opinion, this theory most often holds true in males. For instance, Justin Bobby from MTV’s hit reality program, The Hills, is a prime example. It also works with certain construction workers and bums. Seriously. The dirtier they are the more I have to restrain my love for them. But yeah, it’s a compelling theory.
Next point- Robert Pattinson is from London. This means he has a British accent. Now, I myself prefer a thick Bostonian brouge, but nonetheless, any accent can be charming.
More fascinating than any of the preceding information may
be this fact: Robert has a crazy look in
his eyes! It’s either sex or madness...or
it could be drugs. I’m not sure which,
but any of those options would make him even more captivating. It lets us know that there is MORE behind the
surface. Gosh, it’s no wonder that they
cast Pattinson as Edward!
Laughing at Myself: Suggestive Stain...
At work, I had to go to the grocery store and buy like 50 things of yogurt for our monthly breakfast meeting. Well, I guess the foil on one of the lids had been pierced, because while gathering the cartons I felt something cold running down my leg. Then I looked, and there it was- a long stream of runny white yogurt starting on my upper thigh (near the crotch...sorry for use of the word crotch) and ending around the knee. GREAT, I thought! This looks realllly classy! See for yourself:
I'm sitting down here. That greenish yellow part at the bottom is my shirt. Oh, and this is AFTER I attempted to clean it off with water. WHAT does this look like to you? Pretty suggestive, huh? Of course, I'm that douche walking around looking like a disguisting hoe who doesn't wash her clothes...or somebody with an excitable dog... I wanted to scream, "IT'S JUST YOGURT!!!!!! YOGURT!!!!" Oh well... Thankfully, I didn't really come into contact with many people after the incident. I'm sure it will come out in the wash, but it's just a little funny to me.
COM[onday]IC: Airplane
I didn't get a chance to pen a comic on Monday, so I'm doing it on Thursday. My most sincere apologies to all of you who have been eagerly awaiting its posting for the past three days. Click to enlarge:
Misty Water Colored Memories Frozen in Time: When I was homeless
In college, my friend (and current roommate) was doing a graphic design project, and yours truly got to be her special assistant. She had a vision, and that vision was a final product that would somehow include photos of a homeless person. Not really wanting to go downtown and bother potentially drugged up bums that could be offended by her photographing them, she asked me to pose as a homeless person. I jumped at the opportunity.
I had completely forgotten about this whole situation until the other day. If you remember from prior posts, my old laptop died. Well, I just got my new one, and in the midst of transferring my photo files to the new machine, I stumbled upon the amazing shots of me pretending to be homeless. I find them highly entertaining (and I may very well be the only one), but I figured they were worth posting and analyzing.
Here I am looking rough in the basement of our old house. I guess we thought it would look like I was, as they say, "squatting" there. We worked very hard to make me look homeless. To give my shirt a tattered look, we ripped it and stuck lit cigarettes into the fabric. I think we even ended up setting part of the shirt on fire. Then I put tons of bronzer on my face to appear as if I hadn't showered for days. Come to think of it, I probably hadn't...but the bronzer was to add extra grime. Then of course I have my "Got Beer?" trucker hat, flask and blanket (that I still use on my bed). Okay, moving on:
Here I am looking helpless by the road. If you look closely, you will notice our dirty old carpet behind me. The dogs peed on it so much that we didn't want it anymore. We set it by the curb, and apparently the trash men never wanted to pick it up. It was there for a few months. I think it adds a nice touch to the image.
Jen decided we should change locations. Not wanting to be around lots of traffic or bystanders, we opted for the parking lot of the RBC Center. Not really sure why. I can't imagine homeless people hanging around there. We brought along some props: a backpack, an empty 12 pack and a cup (for panhandling). And if you're thinking that the crutches and large orthopedic boot are merely for show, you're sadly mistaken. I actually had broken my foot (cuboid bone to be exact) while dancing at a heart-thumping performance of The American Hunks. I'm being serious.
Here we have, what I would say, is the shot that shows the most desperation. I'm managing to hobble away from my pile of belongings with only one crutch. I look downtrodden. I look blue. And let's not overlook the fact that the composition of this photo is nothing less than remarkable.
I love this one. My car is in the background, and if you look hard, you can make out the handicapped sign dangling from my rear view mirror. If I can tell you one thing, my friend, it is this- the handicapped sticker is the silver lining to any broken cuboid bone. You can also see the employees' cars behind me. I wonder if they noticed us.
And finally, we have the close up. I look highly disgruntled here. You can really get an idea of how much bronzer I smeared on. We also put something disgusting in my hair. I can't remember what it was, but I remember I said "DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO MY HAIR," so it probably was gross.
I hope you enjoyed those as much as I currently am. The joy that I have experienced as a result of finding these photos is priceless. The pictures are ridiculous. I do not look homeless, and I'm pretty sure that Jen wasn't able to use any of these in her project. I had a great time doing it though, and I'll treasure the images for a lifetime.
November 04, 2008
Spotted: "Happy" Turtle/Tortoise
It seems that I've been posting quite a few genetalia blogs lately! They're just flowin' like The Jordan! I guess we know what's on my mind! I kid! I kid!
Anyways, I went to the Audubon Zoo in New Orleans over the weekend. Me and my friend were looking at the giant tortoises or turtles or whatever, and we noticed this one was all rolled over on his side. Actually, everybody noticed. A large crowd was drawing. He was all wiggling around like he was stuck- just rockin back and forth. Then me and Amy noticed that his manhood was exposed, and THAT is why everybody was so intrigued. Poor little guy. Everybody was just standing there staring at him and his junk (a bunch of pervs) pointing and laughing! Although, the tortoise/turtle DID kind of look like he was stretched out in a seductive pose with his tube steak strategically placed to lure in the ladies (lady turtles/tortoises that is). Maybe he liked the crowd? I don't know.
I also don't know if this is a weird thing to post. It seemed like a good idea when I started writing, but now I just feel uncomfortable and creeped out. I hope this entry doesn't attract a slew of people with turtle fetishes...
Anyways, here is the picture for all you weirdos:
Probably not the best angle. A shot from the other side would have shown more. Actually, this view is fine. I think we've seen enough!
XOXO- Mr. Pant-one
November 03, 2008
Spotted: Perverted Scribblings in Sky Mall Magazine (X-RATED Not for the faint of heart)
Over the weekend, I traveled to New Orleans to visit my best friend. We had barrels of fun, but that is besides the point. The point is that I took a plane to NOLA- Continental to be exact. Bored with my book, I decided to flip through the Sky Mall magazine. You know, the one with all the most random things that nobody would ever buy. Well, I was kind of considering shelling out the cash for the marshmallow gun., but I was able to get a hold of myself...
So anyways, I was just browsing though the pages, and I noticed that somebody had gone through the magazine and circled a bunch of pictures. Then as I got further into the publication, the circles evolved into penises and all sorts of inappropriate stuff of a sexual nature. So of course I kept reading and then decided that I had to keep the magazine.
Here are some of my favorite drawings (click to enlarge): This ad features Blitzen Family Bottle Stoppers. The artist has added giant wangs to all of the reindeer. At least the one laying down seems to be wearing a condom. I'm pretty confident that's what that is, because whoever did this also wrote "condom" on a bunch of pages. I think he was just going with that theme.
This photo of a lady making up her bed has been defaced with a small bald man lying in the bed with a giant boner. In response to the giant member in her face, the lady says, "I'm ready!"
Here we have a train set. The conductor is shouting, "READY FOR SEX!" A heading has also been penned labeling the train "Sex Train Oh! Oh!"
This was one of my favorites. The Animatronic Singing and Talking Elvis has a floating peter stratigically placed up on his face. Then we have the message slapped ontop of the original discription, which reads "Evlis fucker super dick action." I'm sorry people. I do not mean to offend. I didn't write this. I'm just here to report. Thankfully I was there to remove the magazine so that no children thummed through the pages. I'm sure it will be safe from virgin eyes here on the internet. Hopefully they will heed the warning I attached to the heading of this post.
Here we have the ultrasound toothbrush that has been altered to display a penis cleaner. You get a free condom if you buy two! By the way, I wonder how old this vandal was. From the handwriting, I'd say about six. But he/she knows some pretty adult words. Maybe it's a 25 year old with bad penmanship. It kind of seems like something I'd do. Notice I said kind of. That is because I wouldn't actually do this. I'd probably draw unicorns or guidos all over it.
WARNING: Some may find the following photo extra offensive. So stop reading here if you might be that type. I don't know if I need to describe what is going on here or not, but I will. A hovering peen is releasing it's magic juice into the kitty's water bow. Oh my. What troubled youth!
There were many many more photos. The photo advertising moccasins had a condom in the shoe. Harry Balls was scrawled across one page, and something resembling a fried egg was drawn on top of a picture of a golf course.
Anyways, I got a good laugh out of it. People are great.
XOXO~ Cliffy
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