Hey! Just wanted to let y'all know that I'm writing for Examiner.com. I'm Raleigh's Reality TV Examiner! Pretty perfect, right? Sooo, click here to check out my page! I'm JUST starting, but keep checking back for updates. Or better yet, SUBSCRIBE!!! I'll be covering a lot of MTV, VH1, Bravo, E!, Oxygen and duh- So You Think You Can Dance.
Last night, Meg and I went to see a presentation given by Post Secret creator Frank Warren. For those of you who don't know about Post Secret, it is a project where people send their secrets to Frank on postcards. The secret has to be something that you've never told anybody. Most people decorate their cards with detailed artwork. The postcards are displayed on the Post Secret blog, in books and in art exhibits.
Anyways, the presentation was very good. Frank was an amazing speaker. He had the voice of a man of the theater! He was witty and eloquent! He told about the history of Post Secret, shared "secret secrets," and then opened up the audience to share secrets of their own. I was pretty surprised at how many people actually volunteered to share such personal stories with an auditorium full of strangers. I will not tell any of their secrets, because they are secrets...duh.
Soooooooo. It was a pretty good event. I'm really glad I went, because whenever I read Frank's blog and see the list of tour dates at the bottom, I always wonder what attending one would be like. I recommend going if one ever comes to you.
Now that that is out of the way, I have a word of advise to anybody who might be attending a performance at Duke University's Page Auditorium: do not sit on the balcony. There is less leg room than an airplane. There is less leg room than at a football game. There is less leg room than you would have if you were sitting in a cardboard box. My feet were falling asleep the entire time. Those crazy Dukies! They must have designed the auditorium in the olden days, back when people were not eating growth hormones in their McDonald's, making the average human much smaller.
So yes! The night was a success! It made me want to send in a secret, but have such a big mouth that I don't have any. Great!
So, I've been on a blob reading binge, and a lot of posts on Gawker.com and Jezebel.com have centered around MTV's The City (understandably, as both are based out of NYC). So, I feel it is my duty to share with you one such article about Nevan, Olivia's "social" cousin who is the epitome of charm and grace. Apparently, he got arrested for pursing a BJ by way of prossy in FL. The info originally came from The Smoking Gun, but I prefer Gawker. Of course, you can click on TSG links to get more info. Also, please pay attention to reference to Nevan's "rhinestone belt" and "shiny underwear." Here's the article.
And since I'm no the topic, you should probably read this old article from New York Magazine about Olivia Palermo. (Besides her, the article talks about some really fascinating stuff such as a [now down] website called Socialite Rank.) Apparently, there's a lot to say about ole Mad Libs (Olivia)... and a lot that people in good ole NC don't know! Gah- we should all just pack up and move to THE CITY!
Oh! I feel the need to add: has anybody else notice how damn skinny Whitney Ports legs are?! She has really dropped a ton of weight since The Hills started (which is typical...you know, becoming a larger than life celebrity and all). Here's a shot of Whitney, Mad Libs, and Erin's legs. Guess which sticks are Whit's!
Whitney's are the second pair (from whichever way you look), although, all those stems could use a cheeseburger. And cute pink shoes, Erin!
Because I know you all want to get a good hard look at these, you can click on all the photos to make them bigger!
January
This is when Katie and I visited Amy in New Orleans. One of the best parts of our stay was when we dressed up as 80s hair band members and watched Rock of Love (and as the photo shows, we also watched Scott Baio is 45 and Pregnant).
February
I bought this sweet little ride in February. It's a Subaru Impreza. I bought it based on looks and safety, but it turns out that it's also some kind of race car and men are drawn to it. They flock to me now (the men...).
March
I spent the entire month of March watching my roommate fret over Britney Spears' every move. And in a bit of an Amy Winehouse inspired moment, I also did some frantic outdoor night exercises.
April:
April was the month that I finally saw Bret Michaels in person. That is the moment I realized what all the fuss is about (with the girls on his show all falling in love with him). He is one smooth talker! The way he wooed the crowd! Don't even get me started. There were also tons of bitchy girls there in the audience who kept pushing me. Then I got feisty and pushed back. And then later on, I felt guilty about it.
In whatever month this is, Kitty and me went to the Kanye West/Rihanna concert. At this concert, in an attempt to save money from buying drinks inside, I drank too much beer in the parking lot and in turn, was only tempted to keep drinking beer inside (where I met a 21 year old drifter wearing jean shorts, and let me say, I was quite taken by him), which led to me being too drunk to operate a car and having to take take a taxi home.
Also in this month, as you can see, I went to the beach with the prossies and got a tattoo. It's some real classly ink. Okay...Relax! It's just a temp!
June held almost too many fun moments, so I had to settle on one, or I would never be able to stop! This is when Jen, Larry and I went to Waffle House. I wasn't sure if Larry would want his face broadcasted over my internets, so I covered it up for him. I'm not sure he'd handle the celeb status with as much grace as I have. Either way, this trip to WH was tops! Especially when I shouted the F word too loud, and some lady with her kids gave me the death stare, which in turn, encouraged us to leave pronto. Later on, I felt like maybe I wasn't the bad guy in that situation. I mean, anybody taking six year olds to WH is just asking for foul language...and a sprinkle of childhood obesity.
July:
I went to Las Vegas in July. While there, I drank too much, and in turn, probably had the most fun of anybody in our group. Although the drinking also resulted in me almost falling off a VIP booth and onto a glass table. ALMOST!
A LOT of other stuff happened in July too, but like in June, I had to narrow it down to one! Plus, this blog post is getting kind of long, and I need to take a shower!
Actually, I do need to take a shower! Now you will just have to wait in suspense for Best Moments of MY 2008 Part TWO!!! Don't hold your breath!
Have a safe New Year!
There is a strange holiday decoration near my apartment. In one window, the occupants of the house have a Christmas Tree, and in the other window, they have this:
I know that it's really hard to see in this small ass picture from my Helio, but it's like a yellow smile face (with big googlie eyese) wearing a red bow-tie. It's really scary, and it reminds me of Jack the Pumpkin King from Nightmare Before Christmas. That is what I thought it was, but I couldn't figure out what JTPK would be yellow and smiling...unless of course he was an unusually gleeful victim of Jaundice.
Anyways, I am baffled as to what this creepy, smiley, bow-tie wearing face has to do with Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Years or anything that people would be decorating for at this time of year. Maybe it's a sick version of the New Year's Baby...it is bald. I bet that's it! If you have any other theories, please feel free to enlighten me!
I also may attempt to get a bigger shot with my camera, without looking like a stalker.
I'm having Bloggers' Block (it's a curse), and I can't think of anything to write about. Even with Christmas going on, I'm stuck with a blank! So, I dug up some old photos of a very fun time in my life.
At some point in college, my best friend, Amy, (whom I'm mere hours away from seeing, because she is coming to town) selflessly volunteered to wear an Easter Bunny suit and pose for photos with people's pets at a local pet store. I'm pretty sure it was for some charity...we could all do more service work!
Well, Amy pleaded with the owners or renters of the bunny suit, and got them to allow her to borrow the costume for one extra hour.
So, I'm sitting at my lovely house on Dixie Trail, and Amy plows into my drive way. She was calling me on her cell phone. "COME OUTSIDE," she said. "I HAVE TO SHOW YOU THIS!!"
I waked outside, and she was grappling with the trunk. As it lifted, I saw the giant bunny costume. The possibilities were endless. "We only have an hour," she said.
With Amy's great modeling/acting skills and my knack for master photography, this is what came of that hour:
This is "Peeping Amy Bunny" peering into our neighbor's window.
Not sure exactly what this one was portraying...
In this one, she is suggestively straddling a tiki torch. Feel free to let your imagination run wild.
A close up to scare the children.
This one, in which we took to the streets, is my personal favorite.
There are more photos from this day, which according to the file's folder was in March 05, but I cannot seem to locate them. One such missing pic was what appeared to be Amy straddling a bench and "riding" it like a quarter horse. I wish I could find that one.
It's a pandemic: guys in bands everywhere are suffering from anorexia. It's not cool! Throughout my years of attending shows, I've always noticed the large number of waif like emo/indie/hipster guys. Oh! This issue is not only prevalent with bands, but wait-staff at Raleigh Times. JK
Do they go overboard trying to fit into womens' jeans? Or are they just trying to slim down so they don't crush their hipster girlfriends when kickin' boots missionary style?
Who knows?! NOT ME! But I do know that it's getting out of control. Lots of guys are coming forward about having eating disorders- so many in fact, that the term "manorexic" has been created. Kings of Leon, Silverchair and The Darkness are all bands who've had food issues come out to the public. (The picture above is Ambulance LTD.)
Let's put these unhealthy standards to rest! I'm encouraging all the willowy hipsters to pick up a burger (or a falafel if they're vegan) and dig in! Let's make next Friday "National Anorexindie Boy Awareness Day."
On December 19, please wear a black ribbon on your lapel to show your support.
In all seriousness, anorexia is a serious issue! Also, I love Raleigh Times and their wait-staff!
I don't have a loto of time, but I wanted to get this out there ASAP. I feel it's that important. Beyonce is Elle's January cover girl. Being creative genuises, they decided to come out with TWO covers for her. One is for newstands, and one is for subscribers. Let's take a look:
This is the one on newstands. It doesn't really look like Beyonce to me. But whatever. It's not that bad. It's just like any other Elle cover, and her rack does look great. So here is the one that they sent to subscribers, people who already pay for the magazine and don't get to choose not to buy a certain issue based on the cover. Essentially, people who are going to be stuck with the magazine regardless.
Holy, mother of pearl! It looks like she having a hernia! No. No. No. This is not fierce, B! I would love to hear some thoughts on this cover from Miss J and Tyra B. I just have no words. Now you see why THIS one didn't make the checkout aisle.
PS Am I the only one out there who CAN'T STAND her new song?!
I'll be the first to say that I was confused about Paris Hilton's show My New BFF. What was the prize? Winning her friendship? Was Paris really going to hang out with the winner after the show? Was the winner going to have to move to LA? Would Paris have to pay the winner's rent? LA is a lot more expensive than other places! Did they win money at all? A car? Why would somebody want to win the friendship of Paris? To just follow her through town? To be carted around to parties? Will Paris really call the new BFF up to dish about gossip? Will they go to lunch? Will they cry on each other's shoulders and have laundry fights in their skivvies? Apparently, I've thought about it a lot. I just felt like the whole show was stupid, and I never believed that Paris and the BFF would actually hang out after the show wrapped.
On her myspace, Brit posted a bunch of, what appear to be, paparazzi shots of her and Paris doing everyday BFF activities. So I guess they have been hanging out since the show's finale. Oh- and it also said that Brittany quit her band. I guess she WASN'T trying to use Paris to get ahead with her career as a rockstar. Take that Vanessa!
This picture features Paris and Brittany leaving a tanning salon. There are also pictures from the same day of them going to a pet store.
Here they are on their first night out together as BFFs.
Here they are leaving an art gallery. Don't trip, Paris!
And finally, here they are in Miami.
I guess this is what life is like when you get to be Paris Hilton's BFF. Thrilling! Although, Brittany does appear to be in some sort of drug induced walking coma in some of these shots. Don't get me wrong, I think she is ADORABLE. She just looks stoned out of her mind. Not to say that she is actually stoned. Her myspace says she does NOT smoke or drink. I guess that knocks out crack, but myspace doesn't have a box to check for Ketamine, so we'll have just assume...
I wanted to throw telephone books at the television the other day. You might find yourself asking why such a positive and uplifting person such as myself would be feeling compelled to act out such devious stunts. Well...I was watching MTV, and I think I may have found a reality TV personality more annoying than Lacey Conner. Impossible, you might think. Oh no. I'm quite sure of it.
I was enjoying an episode of Made, and in said episode, Alex (allergy ridden country clubber/politician's daughter) wants to be "made" into a skateboarder. Holly is appointed as Alex's coach, and I feel that I should add, Holly seems to be one of the nicest and most understanding Made coaches on the show. I mean, she didn't even make Alex do any embarrassing "assignments" like go visit 10 popular girls that you don't know at their houses and talk about life as an Emerald(that's a dance team featured on one such episode) or ask a boy that you've never talked to to be your swing dance partner for the big talent show. Holly simply asked Alex to complete tasks such as skate down a ramp or ya know, practice...
Though I had my issues with her, the annoying person was not young Alex...you have to pick your battles.... But was anybody else shocked when underage hottie Dylan agreed to be her boyfriend after only one "amazingly fun" romp at the skate park?
It was Alex's mother who was so exasperating! Alex would not cooperate with Holly, and like any coach, Holly would try to tell Alex to listen to her. Then Alex's mom would fly off the handle like a complete lunatic and say things like, "NOW I'M MAD, AND YOU DON'T WANT THAT...CUZ I'LL CUTYOU'RE HEAD OFF!!!" (<---That quote is not verbatim, but close.) Holly would just stand there, astonished (as was I) at the words coming out of Mama's mouth. Then the mom had a public freak out at the skate park (where Dylan could have easily been watching), and in turn, Holly walked off. So ole moms decided to take over the training, even though she'd never skateboarded a day in her life. Then she continuously belittled Holly's training methods, and came up with her own teaching style where she had Alex put duck take on her shoes and hit the ground with what I think was a lacross stick or something. Brilliant!
I still don't know how Holly kept her cool. I'm surprised she didn't start laughing in her face. And if I were Holly, I don't think I'd have agreed to come back and continue training Alex after that. I mean, Alex didn't even seem to want to be doing the skateboarding thing at all. Maybe she just carried on training Alex for MTV's hefty paycheck (this was filmed a while ago...before the economic disaster). Either way, I think Holly deserves some sort of trophy or medal or tiara for dealing with BOTH of these people. She has the patience of a saint. In fact, I think I'll start a petition.
Sign the petition here!
Last night, I braved the throngs of teenage girls and went to see Twilight. Now I can confidently say that Robert Pattinson is the most attractive person in entire universe, and it seems that...I'm slightly obsessed. Why do such beautiful people exist, if not only to torture us?! They slap him on a screen, and then I'm left to know that we'll never be together...unless I moved to Hollywood and became an actress (which is my dream...well my dream is actually to do Broadway musicals in NYC, but that's another story).
So now I'll cut the crap- the movie was great. It was pretty hilarious. Edward was a riot when he had to sit by Bella in science class (oh- and we all rejoiced when they won the "golden onion"). I also got a big chuckle out of the Cullens making Italian food for Bella. You see, they made her Italian food because her name is Bella, an Italian word...you just have to see it. Oh! And the special effects only added to the humor. When they ran in supersonic speed, they looked like rabid gerbils! It was great.
Some of the romantic scenes were hard to watch. And despite what you may be thinking, NO I don't mean it was hard watching ole' Rob kiss another woman... They were difficult because some of the moments were so awkward. It was like I felt embarrassed for them at some parts. The teenage sexual tension was out of this world! You could cut it with a knife!!! That tension could be derived from the rumored "off screen romance" going on between Pattinson and Kristen Stuart, but that's just according to Life Style Magazine.
Obviously, Pattinson was the perfect Edward. He was a bigger jerk then I made him out for in the books. But what girl doesn't love a little bit of a-hole (ehhh...that didn't quite sound right...you know what I mean)? But yeah, it was fantastic when Bella and him made their big entrance as a couple at school for the first time. Amazing! Some of the finest cinematic work I've seen to date!
A few things I noticed:
So yes, I cannot wait for the sequels! AH! I can hardly stand it. I'm a woman possessed, and I'm not afraid who knows it! And if you haven't guessed, I give Twilight MMMMM! FIVE OUT OF FIVE Ms!
Okay! I know Raleigh is really growing, and the downtown area is really booming. I know this. I am downtown everyday, and I love it. I think Raleigh is great. I really do. But there are some things I don't understand. One of these things is the segway tours. Segways are those dopey little two-wheeled contraptions that you stand on and scoot around. Sometimes the meter-maids and security guards have them. Also, if you watch VH1, you may have seen Terry "Hulk" Hogan zipping around on his segway on Meet The Hogans. Personally, I think segways are completely ridiculous. I think they're meant to be compact little scooters or something, but they're huge and bulky and you look like a douche-bag riding one. Why not just ride a Rascal Scooter?! I mean, at least you'd be able to sit down.
So with that said, I will tell you that there is a company that offers guided segway tours of downtown Raleigh. Yeah. They scoot around in my way all day long. I will be stopped at a stoplight, and they will whiz through the crosswalk in front of me. So like 20 people on segways will go by, and they are taking longer than the light! Sometimes when I'm walking downtown, I can't even get across the sidewalk because of all the segways!
Here is a shot of it happening to me today (this lady was, as I like to say, a straggler):
Now the question: who in the world wants to take a segway tour of downtown Raleigh? Are they tourists? And just to be clear, I still think tourists in Raleigh are a myth (like pockets). Are they just people with a day off who want to see the sights? Are they here on business with a little down time? I just don't know. I love Raleigh, but I can't imagine taking a segway tour of it. I can't help it. I think segways wack!
And YES, I know Raleigh's growth is good, but I still hate segways and their tours. Don't even get me started on the bike taxis!
Check out Triangle Segway's websiteto see all the places they go. You will also get to view some really silly photos of people on segways. Actually, please click on it. The pictures make me laugh really hard.
In college, my friend (and current roommate) was doing a graphic design project, and yours truly got to be her special assistant. She had a vision, and that vision was a final product that would somehow include photos of a homeless person. Not really wanting to go downtown and bother potentially drugged up bums that could be offended by her photographing them, she asked me to pose as a homeless person. I jumped at the opportunity.
I had completely forgotten about this whole situation until the other day. If you remember from prior posts, my old laptop died. Well, I just got my new one, and in the midst of transferring my photo files to the new machine, I stumbled upon the amazing shots of me pretending to be homeless. I find them highly entertaining (and I may very well be the only one), but I figured they were worth posting and analyzing.
Here I am looking rough in the basement of our old house. I guess we thought it would look like I was, as they say, "squatting" there. We worked very hard to make me look homeless. To give my shirt a tattered look, we ripped it and stuck lit cigarettes into the fabric. I think we even ended up setting part of the shirt on fire. Then I put tons of bronzer on my face to appear as if I hadn't showered for days. Come to think of it, I probably hadn't...but the bronzer was to add extra grime. Then of course I have my "Got Beer?" trucker hat, flask and blanket (that I still use on my bed). Okay, moving on:
Here I am looking helpless by the road. If you look closely, you will notice our dirty old carpet behind me. The dogs peed on it so much that we didn't want it anymore. We set it by the curb, and apparently the trash men never wanted to pick it up. It was there for a few months. I think it adds a nice touch to the image.
Jen decided we should change locations. Not wanting to be around lots of traffic or bystanders, we opted for the parking lot of the RBC Center. Not really sure why. I can't imagine homeless people hanging around there. We brought along some props: a backpack, an empty 12 pack and a cup (for panhandling). And if you're thinking that the crutches and large orthopedic boot are merely for show, you're sadly mistaken. I actually had broken my foot (cuboid bone to be exact) while dancing at a heart-thumping performance of The American Hunks. I'm being serious.
Here we have, what I would say, is the shot that shows the most desperation. I'm managing to hobble away from my pile of belongings with only one crutch. I look downtrodden. I look blue. And let's not overlook the fact that the composition of this photo is nothing less than remarkable.
I love this one. My car is in the background, and if you look hard, you can make out the handicapped sign dangling from my rear view mirror. If I can tell you one thing, my friend, it is this- the handicapped sticker is the silver lining to any broken cuboid bone. You can also see the employees' cars behind me. I wonder if they noticed us.
And finally, we have the close up. I look highly disgruntled here. You can really get an idea of how much bronzer I smeared on. We also put something disgusting in my hair. I can't remember what it was, but I remember I said "DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO MY HAIR," so it probably was gross.
I hope you enjoyed those as much as I currently am. The joy that I have experienced as a result of finding these photos is priceless. The pictures are ridiculous. I do not look homeless, and I'm pretty sure that Jen wasn't able to use any of these in her project. I had a great time doing it though, and I'll treasure the images for a lifetime.
My sister was trying to point out the silly sign that said "Wedgies," but this innocent bystander got caught in the shot! It looks like Katie is actually presenting our stranger in the denim jacket! He looks so downtrodden and blue. He looks so lost! He actually looks like he might run right into my sister. Where is his group?! You shouldn't be wandering around the fair alone!
I went to American Way Thrift Store with my sister this weekend. We were moseying through the aisles just hunting for some bargains when something caught my eye.
A curvy little Hispanic woman was standing in front of me. She was wearing ill-fitting denim capris. They were too tight yet drooping in the back, so her underwear was sticking out of the top. And when I say they they were sticking out of the top, I'm talking like half of her ass- not just the elastic band or something.
This is not unusual, I thought. Lots of people wear unflattering pants with there underwear sticking out.
Then as I got closer, I noticed something odd about the underpants. It looked like a cushion was stuck to the seat. Ohmigosh, I thought. It's a BUTT PAD!
I always see ads for padded underwear in the back of US Weekly and Star Magazine, but I never actually thought there were people who buy them. I mean, what if you were having a moment with your boyfriend and he reached down and felt a pillow in your pants!?! How embarrassing?! Personally, I think being caught with a padded ass would be a ton more mortifying than having somebody call you out for wearing a padded bra. It's totally different!
So yes, I saw a butt pad. All along I thought they were only rumors or myths...like pockets. (<--haha, funny little inside joke). Really though, I didn't know people actually bought those. Maybe the lady's pants would have fit a little better if she had skipped the underwear fluff...just an idea.
You know you love me, XOXO~Cliff Pant-one Oh, and apparently they make drawers of this nature for the men too. From this photo, it appears that they can have the front AND the back enhanced by the cushion! Geez!!! Talk about embarassing. If my boyfriend wore boxers with a padded ass and crotch, THAT would be a deal breaker!
Eva Amurri is extremely fascinating! She's the 23 year old daughter of Italian director Franco Amurri and actress Susan Sarandon. For one, I have always thought that Susan Sarandon would be an amazing mom. I don't know her personally or anything, but I base my assumption solely on Sarandon's role in Little Women. I also really really loved Thelma and Louise, and although she and Jimmy didn't exactly seem like the paternal types in that movie, I still hold firm to my hypothesis. But yeah, I imagine that being Susan Sarandon's kid would be pretty excellent.
Besides that, Eva has been in some movies herself. Saved being one of my favorites. She played Cassandra, the sarcastic Jewish girl in an evangelical Christian school. She was hilarious in that movie, and I think she looked really great...even if she did look a little Hot Topic-ed out. She also dated Macaulay Culkin in that movie, and I think they had some pretty great chemistry.
Eva has also been other movies like The Banger Sisters and The Education of Charlie Banks. Maybe her film career wouldn't be as successful if she didn't have famous parents, but whatever. I think she's talented and acting is probably in her genes.
Another cool thing about her is that she graduated from Brown University. So at least she'll have that degree to fall back on if her acting doesn't work out.
I think Eva Amurri is one of the most beautiful people ever! I don't know why. She's a little quirky looking, and I guess I like that sort of thing. It makes her all the more intriguing. She also kind of floats under the radar, which makes her more mysterious and even more absorbing! And lastly, her birthday is on March 15, and I have some sort of obsession with people born on that day.
There you have it, FASCINATION AT ITS FINEST!
PS This new Typepad jazz is terrible. It's going so slow and freezing up every second. Maybe I'll update and make this better once the kinks get worked out...hopefully they WILL get worked out!!!
I love dressing up for Halloween! I've been scouring the internets for costumes, and it looks like I've stumbled upon a website that sells the most ridiculous assortment of outfits I've ever seen. Costume Supercenter's website is like crack! I couldn't stop looking. I had to keep scrolling through until I'd seen every terrible costume there was! I've picked some of my favorites to feature (and there are a lot- although, there were A TON more that I want to show, but that would take all day). I've separated the costumes into two categories: "Sexual Innuendos" and "Just Plain Absurd/Genius." Here we go...
"Sexual Innuendos"- These are pretty much costumes reserved for total douchebags. 
This one is called "The Snake Charmer." Awesome... I'm kind of speechless.
This one is "Muff Diver." Yes! They went there!!! They even have a picture of a CLAM on the scuba suit. Now, that is genius! I really wish I could read the line under the clam. All I can make out is "Experience..."
Here we have "Heart On Adult Costume." It's a naked guy wearing a heart that says, "I've got a heart on!" This is so bad that it's good. The type of guy who'd wear this is one of those who thinks he's amazing, but all the girls are just laughing AT him...not WITH him.
This tissue box exclaims "Blow Me." I like how the tissue hat makes the guy look like The Flying Nun!
This might be my favorite. It's titled "Country Lovin." I've always been a fan of the inflatable ewe, so any costume that incorporates one is alright in my book. I love how the ewe is wearing fishnet stocking on her back legs. Hmmm. Although amusing, this one is slightly disturbing. Plus the model appears to weigh like 98 pounds.
I have SO many more, but I don't have time to post them all now. CHECK BACK FOR UPDATES!
I named my dog Tyra. Although she was not named after her, my dog happens to have the
same name as television personality/model Tyra Banks. I saw my dog and just thought, this dog screams 'call me Tyra'. 
When I gave my dog this name, I figured
that enough people would have heard of Tyra Banks to know how to pronounce the
name. Apparently, I was wrong.
Tara is the
most common mispronunciation. Tarah comes
in a close second. She’s also been
called Tyrell, Tyrone and Tyler.
I used to want to give my kids weird names like Bijou and Loulah (ok, I still like Loulah…), but now I’ve realized that it probably would be pretty annoying for a kid to go through life with such a difficult name. I mean, people can’t even figure out Tyra, and there’s a pretty popular Emmy Award-winning talk show host with that name!
All of a sudden, my neighborhood is full of mushrooms and batshit crazy squirrels. The mushrooms aren't really a problem. They're just random, and they're huge. I have always had a strong desire to step on or kick giant mushrooms, but I'm really fighting that this time around. I want to leave them intact because they're pretty much textbook toadstools. The structure is flawless. I saw one the other day with a cap the size of a knit beret! Anyways, I find it odd that I've never seen a single mushroom around here, and now there are like a hundred. I took a picture of some, and I rather fancy my photo. So I will share: 
Beautiful, isn't it?
Now the squirrels are more of a nuisance. For one, my dog wants to chase them all over the place. This distracts her from urinating/defecating quickly in the morning, which in turn leaves me running around in front of the house like a lunatic wearing PJs and a coif that could be the result of a crossbreed between Don King and Martha Washington. 
Besides that, the squirrels have been having an acorn war of sorts. The A/C unit is right outside my window. It's large and metal, as I assume most A/C units are. Well the squirrels sit in a big tree right by the unit and dive-bomb acorns onto the hard surface. When the acorns hit the A/C unit, it creates a loud clangy noise. From the noise these nuts are producing, I imagine these acorns to be the size of human toddlers. It's insane, and it wakes me up. The other day I woke up at like 6 a.m. wondering why in the world my roommate would be walking around in stilettos at that hour. I thought maybe she was getting ready for work early. Then I realized it was THE SQUIRRELS. They are relentless!
I just wanted to share my experience so that if others are going through the same thing, they'll know that they're not alone. Maybe my story can help somebody.
I was making a delivery today when something struck me as
odd. It was about 2 in the afternoon,
and my destination was an office in a high rise building downtown- a high rise
building which will remain nameless to protect the parties of this incident.
I jiggled my keys as I moseyed by, hoping the noise would
rouse them. I mean, I figured they’d want
to wake up...or at least shut the door. I thought they’d be pretty embarrassed to know that people were walking
by, seeing them obviously conked out.
So I continued down the hall to make my delivery. I delivered it, and then turned to leave the same way I’d come in. I assumed the nappers would have stirred since I came in, with the key noise and all, but no. The dude was still sprawled out snoring like he’d been popped a roofie, and the lady’s head was still completely covered and down on the desk.
XOXO~ Cliff Pant-one
I received an email at work today about a dog toy that had caused serious injury to Chai, a yellow lab mix. The toy is called "Pimple Ball with Bell," and it is made by Four Paws Inc.
The ball got stuck on Chai's tongue. After having the ball surgically removed, Chai's tongue was left so swollen that he could not put it back in his mouth. Eventually, the doctors decided that the tongue was left in such damaged condition by the ball, that it had to be completely amputated.
This is a really sad story. The poor dog was just trying to have fun and play, and this terrible thing happened!
Everything is told in great detail on Chai's owner's blog . Please go to that site to read about Chai, and join the owner in boycotting the Four Paws Inc. product line until they take the "Pimple Ball with Bell" off the shelves! Forward that blog on, so that everybody with a dog will know to stay away from this toy!!!
This is The Garland H. Jones building. It's on the corner of Martin and Salisbury St. downtown. I have to go to this building every now and then, (The Register of Deeds is in there) but I walk pass it almost every day. I always admire this building. I know that a lot of people think it's totally fug, but I love it. Here are the reasons why:
1.) It looks like something Mr. Brady would have designed- he was an architect after all. It's like the 70s exploded on the corner. I have a real love for the buildings of the 70s. In fact, one day I hope to live in a ranch style home with lots of wood paneling! Dare to dream!
2.) There is a lot of blue, and I love blue.
3.) It tells you the time and temperature.
4.) A really nice security guard sits in the lobby, and he always makes me feel welcome! One day on my way to The Register of Deeds, a cracked out guy started hollering at me. He said something like, "Hey! Hey! PRETTY LADY!" I smiled and then continued on my way (I'm always flattered by a compliment, no matter who it's from). So I figured he would just leave me alone, but he started hobbling after me for about a block and a half. "HEY! WAIT!" He kept on shouting the whole time. I was reaching for the door of The Garland H. Jones Building, and the weirdo was about to follow me in. But I saw my favorite security guard sitting inside. We made eye contact, and I felt sure that he would not let this crackhead inside after me (a silent understanding if you will). And he didn't! And when I came out, the dope fiend was nowhere in sight. I'm sure the security guard wouldn't remember this (or even remember me for that matter). Either way, it concludes my point. You can feel safe here.
I'm sure there are more amazing things about this structure, but I can't think of them now. Anyways, I think they are going to deconstruct this building. UGH. What a shame! Raleigh is tearing down everything with character. Don't even get me started on the neighborhood houses! Whatever. I am going to enjoy the ole GHJ Building as long as I can.
Gumby's Pizza on Hillsborough Street had to close, because they had a really really low sanitation grade. They alway
s had a pretty terrible score, but everybody still ate there. The Pokey Sticks were just THAT good. Plus, they delivered, so you didn't really have to SEE how gross it was. It was kind of an 'out of sight out of mind' thing. Oh- and they delivered pretty much all night, so they had that going for them.
Anyways, they finally got the boot when the score got down to 60.5! YEAH! That is pretty sick!
But now, they are coming back! They will be in a new location where the Papa Johns used to be. Hopefully, they will keep up work on their cleanliness so that they can supply the NCSU campus with deliciously greasy Pokey Sticks and pizza that tastes great when you are drunk (but not so much the next morning). I know Meg would be excited if she still lived in Raleigh.
Lately, there have been people standing on the roadside all around Crabtree Mall. They are wearing signs which advertise some mattress sale (I believe the store is called something like Dorma). 
I have pictured a photo of the type of sign they are wearing. Although, these are NOT the actual people who I'm talking about. I just wanted you to be able to picture the scene as accurately as possible. But I AM working on getting a picture of the exact man I'm going to be talking about. It just seems that cars are always whizzing by in my way whenever I try to get a shot.
So anyway, the people wearing these signs usually look like they want to kill themselves. It's pretty depressing. They do NOT make me want to go to the sale. The actually make me want to avoid the sale at ALL costs!
BUT, there is one man (who has been on the corner of Glenwood and Lead Mine for the past few weekends) who is completely hilarious. He wears a foam finger and points it all over the place while he dances. He's always smiling and laughing. It looks like he's having the best time. I wave, and he points the finger at me. I get such a kick out of it. He makes me really happy! His smile and upbeat attitude are infectious. The way he shuffles down the sidewalk doing disco points is reminiscent of the Paris and Nicole Sanasa dance that I (and countless others) am so fond of.
I think it's great that this man can turn a seemingly awful job (standing on the roadside in blazing heat with a giant mattress sign) into something fun. He's making the best out of his situation AND giving the drivers some entertainment. He's putting smiles on faces! I think it's very admirable. Perhaps we could all learn something from the sign guy. Check him out next weekend if your by the mall (and check back for updates...I'm trying to get a picture).
Over the weekend, I went to a cookout at my friend Lucy’s house in Fayetteville, NC. Seeing as it was a party, I decided to knock back a few cold ones. And naturally, when I finished my drink, I asked where I should recycle my bottle.
Lucy’s husband, Jeremy, directed me to the garage.
I went through the door, expecting to find one of those dinky green bins that everybody in Raleigh gets (which I am still grateful for, because not all cities provide (even) these). But I saw no green bin. What I did see was the most amazing recycling receptacle that I'd ever laid eyes on.
There, beside the door, was a blue container that stood about 4 feet tall. And, get this, it was fully equipped with WHEELS! YES, WHEELS! So, if you are missing the obvious reasons why this vessel is so fabulous, I will explain.
Number 1: It is blue, my signature color.
Number 2: It is HUGE, so you can put way more stuff in it. You could probably fit a couple of two-year olds in there (NOT THAT YOU EVER SHOULD TRY THAT).
Number 3: It has WHEELS!!! Meaning, you don’t have to carry the insanely heavy bin out to the street. Plus, my bin is usually (OK…always) covered in dirt. So for me, the only way to carry the weight of the bin all the way to the curb is by resting it against my stomach. And by doing THAT, my shirt gets covered in dirt and mud!
Here is a photo of the recycling containers in all their glory:
So there you have it! I’ll be moving to Fayetteville any day now.
The other day, I was driving down Tryon Road with my sister. We were stopped at a light, waiting to make a left turn into The Kangaroo gas station. There was one car in front of us. It was a little burgundy compact car, and we could see that there was a passenger along with the driver.
All of a sudden, a packaged loaf of bread shot out of the passenger window. The loaf rocketed straight up in the air then smacked to a landing on the asphalt.
Katie and I watched from behind, completely baffled. Had a bag of bread really just flown out of the window? What was going on? Why bread? And why weren’t the passengers of the car reacting? Did they notice?
Now if you know me, you know that I have a strong distaste for litterbugs. I was appalled that these people were going to just drive away with the bread in the middle of the road. Number one, it’s litter. Number two, an animal could wander into the road to eat it and get smacked down by a car. THAT would put animals AND innocent drivers at risk.
So, I honked my horn at the car and motioned to the side of the car where the bread was. Nothing happened. I tooted again.
Suddenly the driver’s side door thrust open. A big, bald, rednecky guy wearing jean shorts emerged. With fists clenched, the man barged around the back of the car, looking me in the straight in the eyes. I waved, trying to be friendly. I’d just wanted to be sure he knew the bread was out there. Reaching the passenger side, he snatched the bread. His stumpy fingers squished into the doughy bag. Obviously, he could care less that the bread was being smushed. Snapping around to make his way back, we saw his lips mutter STUPID F*CKER!
He kept his head down until he got back to his side of the vehicle. Then before he entered himself, he hurled the bag of bread at the passenger. From our ride, we noticed his companion flinch as the bag barreled toward him/her.
By this time the light had turned green, and as soon as the man got back in the car, he tore off down the road. I pushed on the gas, slowly turning into The Kangaroo. Katie and I just looked at one another, mouths hanging open with no idea what exactly had just happened.
XOXO~ CLIFF PANT-ONE
Matthew McConaughey has a brother named Michael (or Rooster, as his friends like to call him). Well, Rooster had a baby and decided to name him Miller Lyte after his favorite beer. Good thing he's not a Natural Lite drinker. The baby could've been named Natty Lite. Michael's wife told him that if they had a baby boy, he could pick the name. She said if they had a girl, he'd probably want to name it Ginny after Miller Genuine Draft! I can't believe the wife agreed to the name Miller Lyte. Maybe they could have just named him Miller and given the baby a different middle name...
Anyways, I think it's great, but Michael's wife should probably get some sort of a trophy for being the most compromising wife ever.
Last night, I was out on Glenwood South. It was about 2:45 am, and our group was heading to the car (which was going to be driven by a designated driver). All of a sudden, a homeless man (Walter) came up to me and said, "OH MY GOSH! YOU'RE THAT GIRL FROM DAYS OF OUR LIVES!"
"YES, I AM," I exclaimed back! In the heat of the moment, I had decided to just go along with it. I mean, nobody has ever said I looked like anybody famous, so when I actually was mistaken for a celeb, I had too seize the day and play the part! After all, this could have been a once in a lifetime opportunity (for me AND Walter).
Sooo, Walter went on about how he loved the show. And he even told me that I am a huge inspiration. To which I replyed, "That's why I do what I do- for the fans!" Then I gave him a hug and some money. I mean, if he thought I was famous, I HAD to give him money. Otherwise, he'd think I was hoarding all that money I make on Days of Our Lives. So, ole' Walter was star struck. I don't know which person from the show he thought I was. He told me, but I don't remember because I don't watch it. I've actually never seen that show. To be honest, he may have said One Life to Live? They all sound the same to me.
Anyways, I thought it was pretty funny. Maybe it's one of these? What do you think?
Allison Sweeney? 
Ashley Benson?
Martha Madison?
Melissa Reeves?
Hmmm. From the pictures of Days of Our Lives options, it seems like Walter must think I'm pretty old! For more options click here!
PS For all the parents reading- I was in a large group of people when this happened with lots of girls' husbands there to protect me. : )
Thinking about Dixie Trail got me feeling all nostalgic. Soooo many good times there. Soooo many crazy characters around there. I am having a sensation urging me to provide a bulleted-type list:
Miss Isea, Thurlin, and Scotty Diamond (who lived in the basement):
*The smell of [what I presume to be] crack wafting through the air vents.
*Sitting by the air vents listening to the screaming, breaking dishes, and MOANING that would also slip through the vents.
*Thurlin hitting golf balls in the backyard.
*Scotty's friend, Jay, who sold knit shoes. One time I didn't recognize him when he came to the door, and I told him that I couldn't talk because I was "bathing my sister." His girlfriend would come by looking for him after he moved out. She was pissed about something!
*Giving Jay and Scotty a ride to the store to buy alcohol.
*Cops looking for Scotty.
*The weekend visitor in the PT Cruiser.
*Receiving Xmas cards from Thurlin after he moved to FL (and Applebees gift cards).
*Thurlin helping me move the kitchen table into the house.
*Jumping on the floor and screaming at the top of my lungs to piss them off. 
Stan
*Chatting about poetry at night. Reading his poetry book- Stealing Teacups From the Sea.
*Listening to the engine of his car at all hours.
*Going to his house with Amy at like 3am, because we were locked out. He was very kind to help us! Then I made him a poundcake to express my gratitude.
*Hearing about his Yogarate and war stories.
*Seeing him at Cup-A-Joe everyday.
Laura and Bob (who lived in the basement after Miss Isea's crew)
*Their cat who wore diapers and a leash and had a frequent urination problem.
*When I found Bob's underwear (tighty whitey briefs) mixed in with mine (complete with SKIDMARKS).
*When me and Katie walked by and saw Laura in her underwear, and she ran over and shut the blinds.
*The lady across the street who got mad whenever we parked near her house.
*The lady who taught piano lessons and hung her shirts on her porch.
*Mickey and Laura- the nicest people ever!
*The hot military dad with a bitter wife.
*Crazy lady who said her husband was chasing her.
*All the crew from the Spanish Trace.
*Lady who came to talk to us and wouldn't leave and told us about the "shaft" on the wind chime.
So many others. I will stop, because this has no relevance to most of you. But to those of you who know what I'm talking about, I hope it brings some good memories! And feel free to comment with people who I forgot. I know Meg has a better memory than I do! : )
Yesterday, I went to run/walk around Shelley Lake. If you’ve ever been to Shelley Lake, you know there is a big grassy knoll where people play with their dogs or kick soccer balls around. The walking path cuts straight through the grass, so half of the knoll is adjacent to some trees and the other half is right by the lake- like a grassy beach or something. Well yesterday, there was a couple sitting on a blanket on the grassy beach part of said area. They were getting a lot of stares, and I’ll tell you why. For one, they were wearing bathing suits. This was drawing attention, seeing as nobody lays out at Shelley Lake- it’s just kind of a gross lake with a track around it. But besides that, the girl had enormous [what I presumed to be] fake boobs. Now, the guy also has his shirt off. So here we have two half naked people sitting on a blanket by Shelley Lake. Thankfully, they were both in great shape!
So picture these two characters on a blanket surrounded by Big Gulps and a portable CD player (probably playing
a sensual Usher ballad- thank God I had on headphones): Now the girl was sitting straight upright in between the guy’s legs (and I will say that she had impeccable posture), her head tilted slightly to the left and her eyes closed. The guy, also with great posture, had his legs bent around her and his hands on her inner thighs. His head laid on her shoulder from behind, and his eyes were also closed. They seemed to be sharing an intense moment of some sort of erotic meditation right in the middle of volleyball, joggers, pit-bulls, and, oh, a horde of Mexican fisherman (who I can’t imagine catch much of anything at Shelley Lake).
So as I walked by, I noticed a few other groups of people staring at them. Two girls power-walking laughed and pointed. I tried to make eye-contact with them, so they’d know I shared their distaste, but they didn’t notice me. So I continued on, deciding to walk around the lake one more time. Now, the lake is two miles around, so it probably was about twenty minutes before I returned to the scene of so-called public affection. As I approached, I noticed that the pair had not moved an inch. They were placed exactly as the were when I sauntered by the first time! Were these mannequins, I thought?! Eyes still closed, posture still flawless, girls head still slightly tilted to the left. I stared hard into the backs of their heads, attempting to subconsciously will them to shift. They didn’t. And I continued walking, wishing that I had a camera.
Anyways, good for them for not caring how crazy they looked sitting there like that in bathing suits for all to see. I just thought it was rather strange. Maybe it’s just me? It just made my stomach turn a little. Try going there sometime in the early evening, maybe they’ll be there.
XOXO~ CLIFF PANT-ONE (who has recently been watching too much Gossip Girl)
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