Cliff Pant-one

Daily Dagger: Because sometimes uncomfortable moments are like daggers to the heart

So I went out this weekend, and I may have drank a bit too much.  I was at a bar, and they had a band playing there.  I thought one of the band members was cute, so I formulated a GENIUS plan to hit on him.  I was sitting across the bar at my table when the perfect "line" came into my head.  I got up from my seat and walked confidently up to the side of the stage.

I tapped the guy on the shoulder.  He turned around.  And I say...

 "You have something in your teeth."

He gave me a dirty look, turned around and resumed playing. 

Needless to say, I did not leave an impression on his heart.  What was I thinking?  Why did I think that basically insulting him would impress him?  I guess I may never know.

Frozen in Time: Innocent bystanders CAPTURED!

 

This  submission features quite a few [not-so] innocent bystanders.  We have:

• Man in the back "brushing his shoulders off."  Although, he could be falling...
• Girl hunching over with her mouth open, and her friend (or maybe it's a frienemy...) who is attempting to photograph this.  Hopefully, THAT shot doesn't make it onto Facebook!
• Then we have a girl squatting down next to the photographer.  Maybe she's "dropping it like it's hot."  Or maybe she lost her contact lens!!!

So many gems in this photo!  Imagine how many YOU could be in!!  It's scary, right?

Submit bombed photos here!!!

Marco's Pizza Cares About Customers

Today, I received a very kind letter from Marco's Pizza.  It's actually the sweetest letter I received in a while...It's kind of hard to read in this photo, so here's what it says:

WE MISS YOU!

Hi, I don't believe we have seen you in a few weeks, I hope everything is ok.  I realize this is a busy time of year and there can be many reasons why we haven't seen you.  Hopefully it's not because we failed to meet your expectations on your last order.  If so, I want to hear about it, please call me at (919)832-****.

I hope to see you soon, so please take advantage of this special offer...

PS If you received this letter in error, well it's your lucky day.  Enjoy this incredible deal with our compliments!

Wasn't that kind?  I've never had a pizza delivery place write to tell me that they miss me and ask if everything is okay.  I've got to commend them on customer service.  I'm really impressed. 

To be honest, I have never even been to Marco's (although, I WAS told that I demanded and devoured it one time when I was drunk...but I don't quite remember that...).  I'm assuming this letter was meant for the guy who lived here before me, because the one time that I allegedly drunk ate Marco's was at another house.  BUT I think I will take advantage of the special offer they sent me/the guy who used to live here, because their note was so heartfelt (and they say that it's my lucky day for getting it by accident).  You know, I may just become a regular there.  I wonder what other kind of things they send out.

So yes!  I tip my hat to you Brian (I couldn't make out the last name), owner of Marco's Pizza on Hillsborough Street!  With customer service like this, you're sure to go far!!! 

Post Secret @ Duke University

Last night, Meg and I went to see a presentation given by Post Secret creator Frank Warren.  For those of you who don't know about Post Secret, it is a project where people send their secrets to Frank on postcards.  The secret has to be something that you've never told anybody.  Most people decorate their cards with detailed artwork.  The postcards are displayed on the Post Secret blog, in books and in art exhibits.

Anyways, the presentation was very good.  Frank was an amazing speaker.  He had the voice of a man of the theater!  He was witty and eloquent!  He told about the history of Post Secret, shared "secret secrets," and then opened up the audience to share secrets of their own.  I was pretty surprised at how many people actually volunteered to share such personal stories with an auditorium full of strangers.  I will not tell any of their secrets, because they are secrets...duh.

Soooooooo.  It was a pretty good event.  I'm really glad I went, because whenever I read Frank's blog and see the list of tour dates at the bottom, I always wonder what attending one would be like.  I recommend going if one ever comes to you.

Now that that is out of the way, I have a word of advise to anybody who might be attending a performance at Duke University's Page Auditorium: do not sit on the balcony.  There is less leg room than an airplane.  There is less leg room than at a football game.  There is less leg room than you would have if you were sitting in a cardboard box.  My feet were falling asleep the entire time.  Those crazy Dukies!  They must have designed the auditorium in the olden days, back when people were not eating growth hormones in their McDonald's, making the average human much smaller.

So yes!  The night was a success!  It made me want to send in a secret, but have such a big mouth that I don't have any.  Great!

Spotted: A Mother on Fayetteville St.

I was downtown on a run today, minding my own business, and I saw something that made me really hot (hot in a bad way)! 

There was a mother a three children.  Two of the children were about six years old and the other was an infant.  I'm not very good with guessing children's ages, but I'd say this infant was under nine months.  She was smaller than my 8 lb Shih Tzu.

So the mother is walking down the hard, bumpy CONCRETE sidewalk with the INFANT on her shoulders.  The child is propped up there with the mother only holding her by the tiny tiny thighs.  The baby isn't even hanging on, her arms flailing around in the air.  This child is so small, that it isn't even able to hold itself up. She keeps FALLING backward so that her HEAD is touching the mother's BACK!!!  And one of the six year olds, runs over laughing to push her up every time this happens.  The whole lot of them is just snickering, smiling, carrying on, thinking it is so cute that the baby is on the mother's shoulders flapping around like a bird on a gusty day.

I could not believe it.  I was on a part of the sidewalk block with a lot of construction going on, so there weren't a lot of people witnessing this.  I started to walk faster, because I wanted to be behind them if the baby suddenly fell from the tower of her mother's shoulders.  Then the baby kept totteling backwards, and it was making me so angry that I wanted to go up and say something to the mom (and I feel it is appropriate to mention that her six year olds were wandering around a very large office building with many many floors alone, trying to figure out where they were, saying "I'm scared" just minutes before). 

The gaggle of merry wackos kept up a good pace, even crossing traffic with the baby flying high above them all.  When I went into the courthouse, they were coming up on a busier block with a police officer and a "city ambassador" (whom I have a love/hate relationship with) standing by, and I wonder if anybody said anything to her.

Parenting is just such a touchy subject.  I never know when it's appropriate to say something.  I mean, I'm not a parent and I've never babysat (or even HELD a baby).  Do people normally do this with infants?  I don't know!  It doesn't seem right to me though.  Ugh, it just makes me sick to think of what other careless things she's doing.  I hope everything is okay!

Frozen in Time: Angry Bystander Caught!

Here we are whooping it up at a bar.  I don't know who this girl is or how she got in the picture!  But she does not seem pleased.  Perhaps she's an angry drunk who had one too many mai tais. 

Life's Little Riddles: What is Raleigh's Sister City?

This is a sign that I see quite often.  It's right off Hillsborough St, behind the Brugger's parking lot.  As you can see, it says "Compiegne, France - Raleigh's Sister City." 

Now, I don't know much about Compiegne, France...alright let's be honest, I know NOTHING about it.  But I just don't understand why our sister city would be some place in France.  This makes no sense to me.  Wouldn't raleigh be better suited to be sisters with a place such as Scottsdale or Savannah?  Some place in the US?  And if Compiegne really is our "sister," why did they pick this tiny park behind Planet Smoothie to advertise it?  Many a Raleigh folk could go through their entire lives never knowing about our "kin" overseas.  How sad is that?

Let's see.  According to Wikipedia, Compiegne is in the northern part of France.  In 1999, the population was 41,076.  That is about it.  If you want to find more information on our French relative, go to this site.  And if you have any information on why this is our Sister City, please let me know!

Spotted: Pervy Guy on I-40

My sister and I were driving home from South Point Mall on I-40.  Coasting along next to us was a black Chevrolet Aveo with FL tags.  Inside was a normal looking man.  He was probably in his late 20s with a slim build and black gelled hair.  He was wearing sleek sunglasses and a slippery looking black zip up jacket.  He kind of reminded me of Neo in The Matrix.

So we were just driving away, minding our own business, when something caught KT's eye.  "What is that guy doing?" She asked.  "Are those thongs?"

I turned to look, and she was right.  The man had a handful of multicolored G-strings in his fist.  He was driving with his wrists, and shifting through the panties.  It appeared that he was counting them. 

"Well, that's weird," I said.

"Yeah." 

We drove on some more. 

"OHMIGOD, Mary!"  KT shouted.  "NOW HE HAS A DILDO!"

I looked over, and sure enough, the man was holding an average sized Caucasian rubber schlong. Before I could shake off my shock, the guy flings the white peen onto the passenger seat and grabs a VERY large African American model; this one was complete with balls. 

At this point we were driving erratically (no longer minding our own business) trying to see what this guy was going to do next.  Well we were in for a treat, because next he stuck the giant black d*ck in his MOUTH!  Yes in the pie-hole the member went. 

We were in shock!  What in the world?!  This average looking guy was just driving down 40 sticking man-made genitalia in his mouth.  Now I've seen it all!  I really don't know how I see so many weird things all the time.  I'm a magnet for weirdos.

So then we regained our composure, and the man exited on Harrison Ave.  Maybe he was making a  porno at The Umstead Hotel?  Or maybe he was just making a pit stop at the ChickFila.  I have no idea. 

XOXO Cliff Pant-one

Spotted: Interesting Xmas Decor

There is a strange holiday decoration near my apartment.  In one window, the occupants of the house have a Christmas Tree, and in the other window, they have this:

   

I know that it's really hard to see in this small ass picture from my Helio, but it's like a yellow smile face (with big googlie eyese) wearing a red bow-tie.  It's really scary, and it reminds me of Jack the Pumpkin King from Nightmare Before Christmas.  That is what I thought it was, but I couldn't figure out what JTPK would be yellow and smiling...unless of course he was an unusually gleeful victim of Jaundice. 

Anyways, I am baffled as to what this creepy, smiley, bow-tie wearing face has to do with Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Years or anything that people would be decorating for at this time of year.  Maybe it's a sick version of the New Year's Baby...it is bald.  I bet that's it!  If you have any other theories, please feel free to enlighten me!

I also may attempt to get a bigger shot with my camera, without looking like a stalker.

Spotted: Naked Girls at Stool Pigeons

Last night, I went to Stool Pigeons and there were girls walking around in their panties.  No bras!  Yeah! They were wearing "body art," but it wasn't even realistic, like when the girls at the Playboy Mansion wear body paint to look like clothes.  It was just like random blotches on their boobs.  I can't believe that they were allowed in the place like that.  I asked some guy about it, and I think he said his friend was a tattoo artist who does "body art," and they painted them for some other guy's birthday.  I'm not sure if that's accurate; I was pretty tipsy...

So, I'm sure you're all dying to see the naked ladies.  Feast your eyes on this:

   

I don't know who that guy is, but I think it's a great picture.  People were pretty much lining up to have their pictures taken with these girls.  Here is on where you can see the art better:

I wonder if these girls woke up today and were like, "Gah- I think I was walking around with nothing but panties on at the bar.  Was I?  No...I don't think so..." Aside from having photos taken, they did a little dance to some songs that a  band that was playing.  It was also pretty entertaining to walk by and just seem the plopped in a booth drinking a beer in their skivvies as if it were totally normal.  Oh me. Good times.

XOXO~ Cliff PO

Frozen in Time: Bystander at Napper Tandy's

This boy is thrilled that we are taking pictures.  Maybe he was on a post-karaoke high.  Or he could be going strong from an adrenaline rush after giving the girl birthday whacks.

Spotted: Ralph at Haven

Me and my sister went to Haven this weekend.  It's a bar/club on Glenwood.  I'm pretty sure that place is kinda lame, but we were across the street at Brooklyn Heights and figured we'd stop in a check it out.  Well, we walked in and went directly to get a drink.  In an effort to grab the bartender's attention, my sister started to lean over the bar.  As soon as her skin hit the counter, she pulled away and screamed, "OHMIGODDDD!"  Before I knew what was happening, she was running to the bathroom.

Turns out somebody had vomited ON the bar, and NOBODY had cleaned it up.  It was just a big pile of upcuck sitting there.  Nobody was even pointing at it or acting like it was odd.  The bartender wasn't even put off by it.  NOTHING. 

You might be thinking, Didn't your sister see the throw up?  Well, she did see something, and I actually saw something too.  It was dark in there though.  What she thought she saw was a mosaic tiled bar, and I thought somebody had spilled salsa.  I didn't stop her from touching the salsa, because I didn't think she'd put her hands in it. 

Well, she went to the bathroom and washed her hands with scalding hot water, and then we went to the bar and ordered 'the strongest shot' they had.  Finally some waitress came to clean the bar.  She noticed it had been spewed all over, and she just flung her towel over top of it and left.  A few minutes later, some dude came and actually wiped it all up with bleach.  Either way, Haven was wack, and we left a bit later. 

It was just so bizarre.  Who pukes on a bar?  They couldn't even make it close to the bathroom- not even in the middle of the floor on the WAY to the bathroom.  It's like they didn't even try to move from the bar at all.  They didn't even turn away from the bar to yak on the ground BESIDE the bar.  The culprit must have been sitting there having a dink and just all of a sudden started projectile vomiting without any warning.  And it wasn't even late at night yet.  It was like 11.  And why didn't they clean it up?  I mean, the club was NOT crowded.  The puke was visable, and I'm sure people noticed the patron blowing chunks all over the place. 

So yeah.  It was sick, and Haven was lame.