Cliff Pant-one

Spotted: A Mother on Fayetteville St.

I was downtown on a run today, minding my own business, and I saw something that made me really hot (hot in a bad way)! 

There was a mother a three children.  Two of the children were about six years old and the other was an infant.  I'm not very good with guessing children's ages, but I'd say this infant was under nine months.  She was smaller than my 8 lb Shih Tzu.

So the mother is walking down the hard, bumpy CONCRETE sidewalk with the INFANT on her shoulders.  The child is propped up there with the mother only holding her by the tiny tiny thighs.  The baby isn't even hanging on, her arms flailing around in the air.  This child is so small, that it isn't even able to hold itself up. She keeps FALLING backward so that her HEAD is touching the mother's BACK!!!  And one of the six year olds, runs over laughing to push her up every time this happens.  The whole lot of them is just snickering, smiling, carrying on, thinking it is so cute that the baby is on the mother's shoulders flapping around like a bird on a gusty day.

I could not believe it.  I was on a part of the sidewalk block with a lot of construction going on, so there weren't a lot of people witnessing this.  I started to walk faster, because I wanted to be behind them if the baby suddenly fell from the tower of her mother's shoulders.  Then the baby kept totteling backwards, and it was making me so angry that I wanted to go up and say something to the mom (and I feel it is appropriate to mention that her six year olds were wandering around a very large office building with many many floors alone, trying to figure out where they were, saying "I'm scared" just minutes before). 

The gaggle of merry wackos kept up a good pace, even crossing traffic with the baby flying high above them all.  When I went into the courthouse, they were coming up on a busier block with a police officer and a "city ambassador" (whom I have a love/hate relationship with) standing by, and I wonder if anybody said anything to her.

Parenting is just such a touchy subject.  I never know when it's appropriate to say something.  I mean, I'm not a parent and I've never babysat (or even HELD a baby).  Do people normally do this with infants?  I don't know!  It doesn't seem right to me though.  Ugh, it just makes me sick to think of what other careless things she's doing.  I hope everything is okay!

Spotted: Total Douche at Biltmore Estate

I'm in Asheville this weekend with two of my girlfriends.  Today we went to see The Biltmore Estate.  Well, you kind of wander though the house on a self-guided tour, and the hugest douche-bag was behind us.  He was a complete redneck idiot- the kind of person that is why stereotypes are created. 

Now, it is pretty quiet in the house.  It's like a museum, everybody looking at the stuff and listening to their headphone tour thingies.  Well, this tour guide lady (who was really young and pretty) was coming down a narrow hallway, and she was asking everybody to scoot over so the tour group could squeeze through.  So when the guide walked past said man, the guy SCREAMS "HEY NOW, QUIT PINCHING MY ASS, LADY!   YOU ARE SOOOO FORWARD!!!"  Everybody turns to look at him, kind of like who is this tool and he's like "AHAHAHAHAH."  Then he grabs his friend and pushes his way into the tour group line, and tries to go in the blocked off area with them. He's shoving everybody around in this really tight space, knocking into us and laughing like he just the biggest riot ever. He keeps saying, "HEY WE'RE IN THE TOUR WE'RE PART OF THE TOUR.  HUCK HUCK LET'S GO ON THE ROOF!"

The guide was being so nice to him, but it was obvious that she wanted to strangle him.  She was just like, "Sorry, Sir.  The tour is full, but you can sign up for another one in the lobby."

And then he probably mentioned her "pinching his ass" again.  So at that point, the only people amused are his family members.  Everybody else is giving him the death stare.  So he comes up to our group and gets all in our face and says, "WHERE IS THE HAPPINESS IN THIS FAMILY!?!?!  LIGHTEN UP WAH WAH!"  We just stared at him like he was a fool. 

The girl in front of us turned around and said, "What an idiot!  Looks like somebody toured the winery before this!"

Spotted: Macramae Koozie

I was in Myrtle Beach over the weekend, and I went to Fat Harold's with my family.  Fat Harold's is a shag club where lots of adults and "mature" people go to dance to beach music.  It's pretty entertaining as there's always a really colorful crowd. 

Well, my sisters and I (and Jen(na)) were just sitting at a table watching everybody, and I noticed that the woman behind us had brought along a little something extra...it was a koozie.  She'd brought along her own koozie to keep her beer cool.  Alright.  That's okay.  A little random, but not too bad.  But then I noticed something weird about the koozie: it was macramaed out of yarn.  She had crafted her own koozie, and I guess she takes it everywhere.  Of course, we (stealthy) captured an image.  Here it is:

This is great!  It's the kind of thing you can only see at Myrtle Beach.  THIS is why I MUST move there!  No social pressure and macramed koozies.  It doesn't get better than that!

Spotted: Pervy Guy on I-40

My sister and I were driving home from South Point Mall on I-40.  Coasting along next to us was a black Chevrolet Aveo with FL tags.  Inside was a normal looking man.  He was probably in his late 20s with a slim build and black gelled hair.  He was wearing sleek sunglasses and a slippery looking black zip up jacket.  He kind of reminded me of Neo in The Matrix.

So we were just driving away, minding our own business, when something caught KT's eye.  "What is that guy doing?" She asked.  "Are those thongs?"

I turned to look, and she was right.  The man had a handful of multicolored G-strings in his fist.  He was driving with his wrists, and shifting through the panties.  It appeared that he was counting them. 

"Well, that's weird," I said.

"Yeah." 

We drove on some more. 

"OHMIGOD, Mary!"  KT shouted.  "NOW HE HAS A DILDO!"

I looked over, and sure enough, the man was holding an average sized Caucasian rubber schlong. Before I could shake off my shock, the guy flings the white peen onto the passenger seat and grabs a VERY large African American model; this one was complete with balls. 

At this point we were driving erratically (no longer minding our own business) trying to see what this guy was going to do next.  Well we were in for a treat, because next he stuck the giant black d*ck in his MOUTH!  Yes in the pie-hole the member went. 

We were in shock!  What in the world?!  This average looking guy was just driving down 40 sticking man-made genitalia in his mouth.  Now I've seen it all!  I really don't know how I see so many weird things all the time.  I'm a magnet for weirdos.

So then we regained our composure, and the man exited on Harrison Ave.  Maybe he was making a  porno at The Umstead Hotel?  Or maybe he was just making a pit stop at the ChickFila.  I have no idea. 

XOXO Cliff Pant-one

Spotted: Interesting Xmas Decor

There is a strange holiday decoration near my apartment.  In one window, the occupants of the house have a Christmas Tree, and in the other window, they have this:

   

I know that it's really hard to see in this small ass picture from my Helio, but it's like a yellow smile face (with big googlie eyese) wearing a red bow-tie.  It's really scary, and it reminds me of Jack the Pumpkin King from Nightmare Before Christmas.  That is what I thought it was, but I couldn't figure out what JTPK would be yellow and smiling...unless of course he was an unusually gleeful victim of Jaundice. 

Anyways, I am baffled as to what this creepy, smiley, bow-tie wearing face has to do with Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Years or anything that people would be decorating for at this time of year.  Maybe it's a sick version of the New Year's Baby...it is bald.  I bet that's it!  If you have any other theories, please feel free to enlighten me!

I also may attempt to get a bigger shot with my camera, without looking like a stalker.

Spotted: Naked Girls at Stool Pigeons

Last night, I went to Stool Pigeons and there were girls walking around in their panties.  No bras!  Yeah! They were wearing "body art," but it wasn't even realistic, like when the girls at the Playboy Mansion wear body paint to look like clothes.  It was just like random blotches on their boobs.  I can't believe that they were allowed in the place like that.  I asked some guy about it, and I think he said his friend was a tattoo artist who does "body art," and they painted them for some other guy's birthday.  I'm not sure if that's accurate; I was pretty tipsy...

So, I'm sure you're all dying to see the naked ladies.  Feast your eyes on this:

   

I don't know who that guy is, but I think it's a great picture.  People were pretty much lining up to have their pictures taken with these girls.  Here is on where you can see the art better:

I wonder if these girls woke up today and were like, "Gah- I think I was walking around with nothing but panties on at the bar.  Was I?  No...I don't think so..." Aside from having photos taken, they did a little dance to some songs that a  band that was playing.  It was also pretty entertaining to walk by and just seem the plopped in a booth drinking a beer in their skivvies as if it were totally normal.  Oh me. Good times.

XOXO~ Cliff PO

Spotted: Ralph at Haven

Me and my sister went to Haven this weekend.  It's a bar/club on Glenwood.  I'm pretty sure that place is kinda lame, but we were across the street at Brooklyn Heights and figured we'd stop in a check it out.  Well, we walked in and went directly to get a drink.  In an effort to grab the bartender's attention, my sister started to lean over the bar.  As soon as her skin hit the counter, she pulled away and screamed, "OHMIGODDDD!"  Before I knew what was happening, she was running to the bathroom.

Turns out somebody had vomited ON the bar, and NOBODY had cleaned it up.  It was just a big pile of upcuck sitting there.  Nobody was even pointing at it or acting like it was odd.  The bartender wasn't even put off by it.  NOTHING. 

You might be thinking, Didn't your sister see the throw up?  Well, she did see something, and I actually saw something too.  It was dark in there though.  What she thought she saw was a mosaic tiled bar, and I thought somebody had spilled salsa.  I didn't stop her from touching the salsa, because I didn't think she'd put her hands in it. 

Well, she went to the bathroom and washed her hands with scalding hot water, and then we went to the bar and ordered 'the strongest shot' they had.  Finally some waitress came to clean the bar.  She noticed it had been spewed all over, and she just flung her towel over top of it and left.  A few minutes later, some dude came and actually wiped it all up with bleach.  Either way, Haven was wack, and we left a bit later. 

It was just so bizarre.  Who pukes on a bar?  They couldn't even make it close to the bathroom- not even in the middle of the floor on the WAY to the bathroom.  It's like they didn't even try to move from the bar at all.  They didn't even turn away from the bar to yak on the ground BESIDE the bar.  The culprit must have been sitting there having a dink and just all of a sudden started projectile vomiting without any warning.  And it wasn't even late at night yet.  It was like 11.  And why didn't they clean it up?  I mean, the club was NOT crowded.  The puke was visable, and I'm sure people noticed the patron blowing chunks all over the place. 

So yeah.  It was sick, and Haven was lame. 

Spotted: Perverted Scribblings in Sky Mall Magazine (X-RATED Not for the faint of heart)

Over the weekend, I traveled to New Orleans to visit my best friend.  We had barrels of fun, but that is besides the point.  The point is that I took a plane to NOLA- Continental to be exact.  Bored with my book, I decided to flip through the Sky Mall magazine.  You know, the one with all the most random things that nobody would ever buy.  Well, I was kind of considering shelling out the cash for the marshmallow gun., but I was able to get a hold of myself... 

So anyways, I was just browsing though the pages, and I noticed that somebody had gone through the magazine and circled a bunch of pictures.  Then as I got further into the publication, the circles evolved into penises and all sorts of inappropriate stuff of a sexual nature.  So of course I kept reading and then decided that I had to keep the magazine. 

Here are some of my favorite drawings (click to enlarge):
This ad features Blitzen Family Bottle Stoppers.  The artist has added giant wangs to all of the reindeer.  At least the one laying down seems to be wearing a condom.  I'm pretty confident that's what that is, because whoever did this also wrote "condom" on a bunch of pages.  I think he was just going with that theme.
This photo of a lady making up her bed has been defaced with a small bald man lying in the bed with a giant boner.  In response to the giant member in her face, the lady says, "I'm ready!"
Here we have a train set.  The conductor is shouting, "READY FOR SEX!"  A heading has also been penned labeling the train "Sex Train Oh! Oh!" 
This was one of my favorites.  The Animatronic Singing and Talking Elvis has a floating peter stratigically placed up on his face.  Then we have the message slapped ontop of the original discription, which reads "Evlis fucker super dick action."  I'm sorry people.  I do not mean to offend.  I didn't write this.  I'm just here to report. Thankfully I was there to remove the magazine so that no children thummed through the pages.  I'm sure it will be safe from virgin eyes here on the internet.  Hopefully they will heed the warning I attached to the heading of this post.
Here we have the ultrasound toothbrush that has been altered to display a penis cleaner.  You get a free condom if you buy two!  By the way, I wonder how old this vandal was.  From the handwriting, I'd say about six.  But he/she knows some pretty adult words.  Maybe it's a 25 year old with bad penmanship.  It kind of seems like something I'd do.  Notice I said kind of.  That is because I wouldn't actually do this.  I'd probably draw unicorns or guidos all over it.

WARNING: Some may find the following photo extra offensive.  So stop reading here if you might be that type.
I don't know if I need to describe what is going on here or not, but I will.  A hovering peen is releasing it's magic juice into the kitty's water bow.  Oh my.  What troubled youth!

There were many many more photos.  The photo advertising moccasins had a condom in the shoe.  Harry Balls was scrawled across one page, and something resembling a fried egg was drawn on top of a picture of a golf course.

Anyways, I got a good laugh out of it.  People are great.

XOXO~ Cliffy

Spotted: No More Badgers Magnet

All throughout NC (I think), they have these TV commercials for Johnson Automotive with this hilarious badger car salesman.  The badger tries to sell people cars, and he's really rude to them.  My favorite badger quote comes when he's pitching a car to a woman and the badger says, "There's a rear-view mirror- that's where you can put on your makeup..."

Anyways, it's much funnier when you actually see the badger, so here's a Youtube video of all the commercials put together:

 

Now you see what a riot they are!  I mean it's impossible to keep a straight face when the badger says, "DON"T TALK TO ME; I"M ON MY POPCORN BREAK!"  And what about his crazy wiggle room dance?!  That wonky furball gets me every time!

Well, this guy who lives in my sisters neighborhood has a magnet on his car.  Here it is:  

Isn't that hilarious?!?  I have never seen another one of these.  I mean, I guess if they are giving them out at the dealership, most people would probably just put it on the fridge and NOT on their new car.  I would put it on mine... It's way cooler than those magnetic soccer balls and charity ribbons everybody is slapping on these days.  My cousin from out of town was like, "Why does that person have a giant animal in a suit on his car?!"  I imagine it would be quit puzzling if you didn't know what that was.  It's huge!  It's genius!  How can I get one for the Subaru?!

XOXO~Cliff Pant-one

Spotted: Not So Uplifting Greeting Cards at Hallmark

 

The photo above was taken at the Hallmark store in Crabtree Mall. 

Can you imagine a more depressing group of cards all lumped together?   "Miscarriage," "Divorce," and "Recovery Support" are sad enough.  Then they go and add "Menopause" and "Weight Loss Encouragement!" Well, those two are actually kind of funny to me.  I'm sure that going through menopause is probably sucky and depressing, and I KNOW that giving up cakes, pies and pizzas for the sake of a smaller pant size can makes life seem lackluster and meaningless.  BUT I don't think I'd want a greeting card reminding me of all that.  In fact, I really don't think I'd want a card for a divorce either.  Or a miscarriage!  It's just funny to me that they have cards for all this stuff, and strangely, it looks like most of them have been bought up.  Maybe people purchased them as jokes? Like a bunch of college kids sending out the recovery ones.  Or maybe some girls who drunk eat a lot send out the weight loss encouragement?  I don't know.  Do you buy cards of the "unique needs" nature?  Send me one!

XOXO~ Cliff Pant-one

Spotted: Butt Pad at American Way

I went to American Way Thrift Store with my sister this weekend.  We were moseying through the aisles just hunting for some bargains when something caught my eye. 

A curvy little Hispanic woman was standing in front of me.  She was wearing ill-fitting denim capris.  They were too tight yet drooping in the back, so her underwear was sticking out of the top.  And when I say they they were sticking out of the top, I'm talking like half of her ass- not just the elastic band or something. 

This is not unusual, I thought. Lots of people wear unflattering pants with there underwear sticking out.

Then as I got closer, I noticed something odd about the underpants.  It looked like a cushion was stuck to the seat.  Ohmigosh, I thought.  It's a BUTT PAD!

I always see ads for padded underwear in the back of US Weekly and Star Magazine, but I never actually thought there were people who buy them.  I mean, what if you were having a moment with your boyfriend and he reached down and felt a pillow in your pants!?!  How embarrassing?!  Personally, I think being caught with a padded ass would be a ton more mortifying than having somebody call you out for wearing a padded bra.  It's totally different!

So yes, I saw a butt pad.  All along I thought they were only rumors or myths...like pockets.  (<--haha, funny little inside joke).  Really though, I didn't know people actually bought those.  Maybe the lady's pants would have fit a little better if she had skipped the underwear fluff...just an idea.

Oh, and apparently they make drawers of this nature for the men too.  From this photo, it appears that they can have the front AND the back enhanced by the cushion!  Geez!!!  Talk about embarassing.  If my boyfriend wore boxers with a padded ass and crotch, THAT would be a deal breaker!

You know you love me,

XOXO~Cliff Pant-one

Spotted/Life's Little Riddles: Anti Monkey Butt Powder Signage

I was driving in Wake Forest, and an interesting sign caught my eye.  It was a digital sign at a pharmacy, and it said "Anti Monkey Butt Powder."  I had no idea what this was.  I thought maybe some kids got a hold of the sign controls and just wrote some dumb junk up there for a joke.  Then I thought maybe it was some kind of new age holistic pharmacy with witchcraft or vodoo medicine.  Either way, I thought it was pretty hilarious and weird, so I took a picture.

I Googled the phrase when I got home, and it turns out Anti Monkey Butt Powder is an actual product.  I guess monkey butt is a nice way of saying nasty, sweaty ass.   According to the AMBP website, their product is:

"Ideal for butt busting activities such as truck driving, motorcycling,                           bicycling, horse back riding, and extreme sports. May   also be applied inside footwear, under sports pads,      and other areas prone to chafing. Indoors or outdoors,    work or play, or on occasions when you sit on your butt all day, don’t let your buns get red, use Anti Monkey Butt Powder instead!"

They even have a commercial on the website with a trucker complaining about his monkey butt.  Check it out here!

Now, why is it called Monkey Butt?  Do monkeys experience a lot of chafing?  Are they really sweaty?  Do monkeys participate in a lot of truck driving or extreme sports?  I know some monkeys are in films, but acting isn't one of the "butt busting activities" listed.  Or perhaps they just referring to that breed of monkey with the red butt, that resembles a big ole chapped rear? 

Another point of confusion:  I sit on my butt a lot (I drive a lot of long distances for work), and I never experience chafing or redness from just sitting motionless.  How does your butt chafe like that?  I thought it had to be rubbing against something to chafe.  Do they mean that the actual butt cheeks are sticking together in the crack?  That is definitely a problem I have never heard of.  It's sick!  If this is something that happens to people, I feel for them.  It would feel like their crack was full of glue or something.  Maybe this happens to men?  I can't imagine a problem of this nature so severe that you would need to sprinkle powder in your drawers for prevention.  That seems like a big mess.  I don't know...

Maybe I'm missing something.  Anyways, if YOU have this dilemma, I've just solved your problem.  You're welcome!

XOXO~Cliff Pant-one

Spotted: Sleeping on the Job in Downtown Raleigh

I was making a delivery today when something struck me as odd. It was about 2 in the afternoon, and my destination was an office in a high rise building downtown- a high rise building which will remain nameless to protect the parties of this incident.

 I rode the elevator up to the 14^th floor (which is really the 13^th floor, but they changed it to prevent bad luck or something- I don’t get it, isn’t it still the 13^th?), and I started walking down the hallway toward my target.

 Now as I walked down the corridor, I noticed one office’s door was wide open. Keep in mind, this is NOT the office I was delivering to. I got closer, and I could see that the sign on the door said it was some very professional office (still trying to keep it vague). 

 As I neared, I noticed an older man in chair. He had his head leaning back against the wall and feet stretched straight out in front of him. His mouth was hanging open and his eyes were fastened shut. Rough day, I thought. Maybe he’s just taking a load off… Then I heard a low grumbling, and I noticed he was snoring! And pretty loud too! I mean, loud enough for me to hear in the hall.

 Then as I walked closer, I could see farther into the office. That’s when I noticed that the only other person in the room, the receptionist, had her head lying down on the desk "heads down thumbs up" style.  

I jiggled my keys as I moseyed by, hoping the noise would rouse them. I mean, I figured they’d want to wake up...or at least shut the door. I thought they’d be pretty embarrassed to know that people were walking by, seeing them obviously conked out.  

So I continued down the hall to make my delivery.  I delivered it, and then turned to leave the same way I’d come in. I assumed the nappers would have stirred since I came in, with the key noise and all, but no. The dude was still sprawled out snoring like he’d been popped a roofie, and the lady’s head was still completely covered and down on the desk.

 I actually stopped in the open doorway to stare. I had my camera in my bag, and considered taking a photo. I figured the noise and flash would wake them. If only I’d had my slightly more discreet Helio. Whatever. It’s probably best that I didn’t- since I’m trying to protect their identities and all.

 I just found this all very strange.  Hopefully they hadn’t really had a roofie. Maybe it was just a slow day, and it’s only Tuesday. Either way, I give them props for sleeping on the job! They must work really hard to be so exhausted.

XOXO~ Cliff Pant-one

 

Spotted: North Raleigh Guinea Hen

Every now and then, I have to go to this one office near the intersection of Creedmoor and Strickland.  I won't say which office, because I don't want you all bombarding the place, fighting one another to catch a glimpse of what I'm about to discuss. 

Anyways, this office is totally normal.  There is an entrance with a grassy area in front, like most places.  But the first time I went there, I noticed a strange bird meandering around the lawn.  It was large and looked like a turkey without so many feathers.  It looked smooth- almost wax like- and very round.  Not being the biggest fan of birds, I quickened my pace and hurried inside. 

I warned the receptionist that there was a strange bird outside, but she remained calm.  "Oh, that's just a guinea hen," she told me.  "It's always out there."

"Like a pet?"  I inquired.

"Not really, but I mean...maybe."

I left the building, scratching my head.  That thing is sick, I thought.  I sat in my car trying to get a decent shot of the bird on my phone, but all my pictures sucked. 

Thankfully, I went back today.  This time, I was able to get a clearer photo.  Here it is:

It still isn't the best photo, because I was too afraid (and embarrassed that the receptionist would see me) to get any closer or look any more obvious.  So here is a picture of one that I found online:

This is exactly what it looked like!  Ugh, that is so freighting.  I really do not like the feathered species.  I'm sorry.  I love animals, but my mother scarred me for life by instilling the idea in my mind that birds are disease-ridden creatures that will give you germs and ultimately kill you.  I know better now, but I still don't like birds.  It's part of the reason I stopped eating them.  UGH, SICK! 

Apparently, these are featherless birds that are native to Africa!  Hmm.  Suspicious!  I guess they are the Chinese Crested of fowl! 

Okay, so anyways...I just find it incredibly odd that these birds are roaming around North Raleigh.  I mean, it's a far cry from Africa.  It is interesting though.  I guess it's just another new experience to treasure.   

Spotted: Car chase downtown!

Yesterday, I was coming back from The Register of Deeds (I TOLD you I go there a lot)at around 3:50 p.m.  I was driving north on McDowell Street, minding my own business, when all of a sudden a cop car came FLYING from behind at like 80 miles per hour. 

I scooted out of the way as it jetted by me.  Geeezzz, I thought.  I started driving again, and almost immediately I heard another one coming.  I pulled to the side.  It passed.  Must be an accident...

I drove on, and I came to the light at E. Lane Street.  It was green, but I noticed ANOTHER cop coming.  So along with all the other cars, I stopped at the light and let him pass.  Then we were all about to go, and a SWARM of police vehicles started darting by.  There were cruisers, SUVS, sheriffs, and vans!  I decided to start counting.  I got up to 12, and that wasn't including the 2 I'd seen on McDowell or the bunch that came through the intersection before I'd started the tally.

Finally, they went away.  I crossed the intersection,moving onto the Downtown Freeway.  I SAW MORE COPS!  GOOOOD LORRRRD, I thought! 

At this point I was getting concerned.  I thought there must have been a terrorist attack or something.  I focused on the road, and hurried north.  I called my sister, and I asked her to look on the Internet to see if something happened.  She couldn't find anything, but I just assumed that it was too soon to have been reported. 

Then this morning, I looked at WRAL.com.  I found out what happened!  I had been in the midst of a car chase! 

Apparently, a man had taken a cab to Dorothea Dix Hospital.  When they reached the destination, the man held a gun and knife to the drivers neck, took his money and drove off in his cab.  Obviously the driver called 911.  This resulted in said car chase.

It turns out that the chase went on for a while, but ended just past where I'd been driving.  The cab crashed into a van on Dawson Street (just ONE over from McDowell)!  Then the thief got out and started coming toward the officers with a razor blade, waving it in the air like in West Side Story (this is what came to my mind when reading the description in the article). 

THEN after ignoring commands to drop the weapon, the car-jacker was shot by an officer.  Now he is in the hospital.

BOY AM I GLAD THAT I GOT OUT OF THERE WHEN I DID!  Anybody who knows me knows that I do NOT like loud guns!  I don't even like balloons.  Let's be honest, loud popping sounds are my biggest fear.  I need not remind you of the balloon in the limo incident on my grandmother's 80th birthday. 

Anyways, I feel very grateful to have dodged this altercation!

XOXO~ Cliff Pant-one

Spotted: Untamed Flatulance at Barnes & Noble

I am going to try and explain this situation as accurately as possible:

I went to Barnes & Noble tonight. I’d just consumed a lot of Crystal Light, and it had begun to catch up with me. So I went to the restroom.

In this bathroom, there were two regular stalls and one handicap stall on the end. I was the only one in there, so I went into the first stall and began to relieve myself (excuse me if that is TMI).

All of a sudden, somebody pushed through the door and hurried into the handicap stall. I heard their bags drop, and then a long, loud fart released itself. And then, before the poot even made it all the way out, the patron began peeing like mad.

I thought it was a little funny, but nothing too insane. Obviously they just had to go. I mean, there’s no shame in tooting. The lady probably didn’t care. It’s not like she’d ever see me again.

So then I finished up, and exited my stall. This is when I noticed something. The doors to both stalls were wide open. Against the wall in the opening of the handicap stall were two shopping bags. Before I could even wrap my mind around the fact that this gassy woman was using the bathroom with the door open, she appeared in the door frame. She was about 60 years old, wearing some sort of a cotton jumper. She reached down, casually retrieved her bags and exited the restroom without washing her hands. I hope she had some Purell.

I just found it strange. I’ve never seen somebody knowingly use a public bathroom with the door open…especially when they were farting. I mean, what if she accidentally ended up having to go #2? The door would've been open, and in the handicap stall you can’t reach out to shut it once you’ve started going. I’m just sayin’…

Good for her for not being embarrassed about a natural bodily function! Perhaps the world would be a better place if everybody were as carefree?

Spotted: Truck with Testicles!

Driving back to Raleigh from Durham, I noticed a truck with balls hanging from the boat hitch.  I've seen these before, but this truck was exceptionally rednecky.  In addition to the gonads, it had camouflage contact paper stuck to the sides of its bottom half and countless stickers about hunting (even one with a boy relieving his bladder on PETA).

Sometimes I wonder about these people. I always try to speed up and look at them, but I didn't catch a glimpse of this guy. Do these people think the balls are funny, or do they see it as a proclamation of manhood?   Usually, I think they're a riot, but something made me think this guy was just a huge douche-bag. 

Then I got to thinking, do they have these up north?

Perhaps I should get some nuts to hang from my Subaru. 

Anyways, here is a picture I took on 147.  Maybe not the best place to be snapping shots, but I had to.

As always, XOXO~ Cliff Pant-one

Update:  If you want to see lots of these,take a short drive south.  According to a source, testical boat hitches flow like wine in Benson...and I'm really not surprised.

Spotted: Hilton Armstrong in Vegas!

So I am in Las Vegas, and the other day, a really tall guy got in the elevator with my sisters and I.  Unable to keep from making comments, Amanda asked the guy what basketball team he played for (simply because he was tall).  He said, "New Orleans."  Then she asked his name.  "Hilton," he said.  That was it.  So we met him.  Maybe he is a fabulous player. Maybe not.  We don't know.  All we know is that he's not too chatty.

XOXO~ Cliff Pant-one

Spotted: Jolly Sign Man on Glenwood

Lately, there have been people standing on the roadside all around Crabtree Mall.  They are wearing signs which advertise some mattress sale (I believe the store is called something like Dorma).    

I have pictured a photo of the type of sign they are wearing.  Although, these are NOT the actual people who I'm talking about.  I just wanted  you to be able to picture the scene as accurately as possible.  But I AM working on getting a picture of the exact man I'm going to be talking about.  It just seems that cars are always whizzing by in my way whenever I try to get a shot.

So anyway, the people wearing these signs usually look like they want to kill themselves.  It's pretty depressing.  They do NOT make me want to go to the sale.  The actually make me want to avoid  the sale at ALL costs!

BUT, there is one man (who has been on the corner of Glenwood and Lead Mine for the past few weekends) who is completely hilarious.  He wears a foam finger and points it all over the place while he dances.  He's always smiling and laughing.  It looks like he's having the best time.  I wave, and he points the finger at me.  I get such a kick out of it.  He makes me really happy!  His smile and upbeat attitude are infectious.  The way he shuffles down the sidewalk doing disco points is reminiscent of the Paris and Nicole Sanasa dance that I (and countless others) am so fond of. 

I think it's great that this man can turn a seemingly awful job (standing on the roadside in blazing heat with a giant mattress sign) into something fun.  He's making the best out of his situation AND giving the drivers some entertainment.  He's putting smiles on faces!  I think it's very admirable.  Perhaps we could all learn something from the sign guy.  Check him out next weekend if your by the mall (and check back for updates...I'm trying to get a picture).

Spotted: Lil Matt's Crib!

On the way to Goldsboro, on Highway 70, there is a little trailer on the side of the road.  A blank billboard just so happens to be next to the trailer.  Well, look at what is spraypainted onto the billboard (click on the picture to make it bigger):

Well, it says "Lil Matt's Crib."  I think it's hilarious.  I wish I had a billboard next to my house!  I'd do the same thing! 

Anyways, this was the best photo I could get from the opposite side of the highway with cars whizzing by.  I almost had a PERFECT shot displaying the trailer and the sign, but some dumb car ruined it.  Oh well, you get the idea.

XOXO~ Cliff Pant-one

Spotted: Odd happening on elevator.

“HEL-LO, HEL-LO, HEL-LO!” a booming voice sung out.  The greeting bellowed as its owner shoved herself into the half-closed metal doors.

“Hi,” I said, being the only other occupant of the elevator.

“Oh, Lawd,” She sighed, letting her heavy body fall against the wall as she flipped open her cell phone.  Sweat dripped down her chocolate skin in lines. “Ohhh me, this wall is nice an’ cold.”  Her large chest heaved as her breath caught up with her.  All the while, her bulky fingers squashed into the plastic buttons. “Ahhh,” she muttered, looking up at me.  “Don’t let me forget- photoshoot tomorrow!”

I nodded and smiled.

“ALRGHT!” she barked.  Then suddenly, she snapped her phone shut, shoving it deep into the low-cut neckline of her sleeveless knit top, the device disappearing into mounds of flesh. 

Noticing that she wasn’t carrying a pocketbook, I wondered what other essentials were hidden in her bosom.  Lipstick? Wallet? Check book?

A second later, the doors pulled apart.  She lifted herself off the wall, her sticky skin peeling away from the cool metal. She steadied herself, and trudged away.

XOXO~ Cliff Pant-one

Spotted: Flying Bread on Tyron Road

The other day, I was driving down Tryon Road with my sister.  We were stopped at a light, waiting to make a left turn into The Kangaroo gas station. There was one car in front of us. It was a little burgundy compact car, and we could see that there was a passenger along with the driver.

All of a sudden, a packaged loaf of bread shot out of the passenger window. The loaf rocketed straight up in the air then smacked to a landing on the asphalt.

Katie and I watched from behind, completely baffled. Had a bag of bread really just flown out of the window? What was going on? Why bread? And why weren’t the passengers of the car reacting? Did they notice?

Now if you know me, you know that I have a strong distaste for litterbugs. I was appalled that these people were going to just drive away with the bread in the middle of the road. Number one, it’s litter. Number two, an animal could wander into the road to eat it and get smacked down by a car.  THAT would put animals AND innocent drivers at risk.

So, I honked my horn at the car and motioned to the side of the car where the bread was. Nothing happened. I tooted again.

Suddenly the driver’s side door thrust open. A big, bald, rednecky guy wearing jean shorts emerged. With fists clenched, the man barged around the back of the car, looking me in the straight in the eyes. I waved, trying to be friendly. I’d just wanted to be sure he knew the bread was out there. Reaching the passenger side, he snatched the bread. His stumpy fingers squished into the doughy bag.  Obviously, he could care less that the bread was being smushed. Snapping around to make his way back, we saw his lips mutter STUPID F*CKER!

He kept his head down until he got back to his side of the vehicle. Then before he entered himself, he hurled the bag of bread at the passenger. From our ride, we noticed his companion flinch as the bag barreled toward him/her.

By this time the light had turned green, and as soon as the man got back in the car, he tore off down the road. I pushed on the gas, slowly turning into The Kangaroo. Katie and I just looked at one another, mouths hanging open with no idea what exactly had just happened.

XOXO~ CLIFF PANT-ONE

Spotted: MOTIONLESS LOVERS AT SHELLEY LAKE

Yesterday, I went to run/walk around Shelley Lake.  If you’ve ever been to Shelley Lake, you know there is a big grassy  knoll where people play with their dogs or kick soccer balls around.  The walking path cuts straight through the grass, so half of the knoll is adjacent to some trees and the other half is right by the lake- like a grassy beach or something.  Well yesterday, there was a couple sitting on a blanket on the grassy beach part of said area.  They were getting a lot of stares, and I’ll tell you why.  For one, they were wearing bathing suits.  This was drawing attention, seeing as nobody lays out at Shelley Lake- it’s just kind of a gross lake with a track around it.  But besides that, the girl had enormous [what I presumed to be] fake boobs.  Now, the guy also has his shirt off.  So here we have two half naked people sitting on a blanket by Shelley Lake.  Thankfully, they were both in great shape!

So picture these two characters on a blanket surrounded by Big Gulps and a portable CD player (probably playing a sensual Usher ballad- thank God I had on headphones): Now the girl was sitting straight upright in between the guy’s legs (and I will say that she had impeccable posture), her head tilted slightly to the left and her eyes closed. The guy, also with great posture, had his legs bent around her and his hands on her inner thighs.  His head laid on her shoulder from behind, and his eyes were also closed.  They seemed to be sharing an intense moment of some sort of erotic meditation right in the middle of volleyball, joggers, pit-bulls, and, oh, a horde of Mexican fisherman (who I can’t imagine catch much of anything at Shelley Lake).
 

So as I walked by, I noticed a few other groups of people staring at them.  Two girls power-walking laughed and pointed.  I tried to make eye-contact with them, so they’d know I shared their distaste, but they didn’t notice me.  So I continued on, deciding to walk around the lake one more time.  Now, the lake is two miles around, so it probably was about twenty minutes before I returned to the scene of so-called public affection.  As I approached, I noticed that the pair had not moved an inch.  They were placed exactly as the were when I sauntered by the first time!  Were these mannequins, I thought?!  Eyes still closed, posture still flawless, girls head still slightly tilted to the left.  I stared hard into the backs of their heads, attempting to subconsciously will them to shift.  They didn’t.  And I continued walking, wishing that I had a camera.
 

Anyways, good for them for not caring how crazy they looked sitting there like that in bathing suits for all to see.  I just thought it was rather strange.  Maybe it’s just me?  It just made my stomach turn a little.  Try going there sometime in the early evening, maybe they’ll be there.

XOXO~ CLIFF PANT-ONE (who has recently been watching too much Gossip Girl)