Cliff Pant-one

Spotted: Total Douche at Biltmore Estate

I'm in Asheville this weekend with two of my girlfriends.  Today we went to see The Biltmore Estate.  Well, you kind of wander though the house on a self-guided tour, and the hugest douche-bag was behind us.  He was a complete redneck idiot- the kind of person that is why stereotypes are created. 

Now, it is pretty quiet in the house.  It's like a museum, everybody looking at the stuff and listening to their headphone tour thingies.  Well, this tour guide lady (who was really young and pretty) was coming down a narrow hallway, and she was asking everybody to scoot over so the tour group could squeeze through.  So when the guide walked past said man, the guy SCREAMS "HEY NOW, QUIT PINCHING MY ASS, LADY!   YOU ARE SOOOO FORWARD!!!"  Everybody turns to look at him, kind of like who is this tool and he's like "AHAHAHAHAH."  Then he grabs his friend and pushes his way into the tour group line, and tries to go in the blocked off area with them. He's shoving everybody around in this really tight space, knocking into us and laughing like he just the biggest riot ever. He keeps saying, "HEY WE'RE IN THE TOUR WE'RE PART OF THE TOUR.  HUCK HUCK LET'S GO ON THE ROOF!"

The guide was being so nice to him, but it was obvious that she wanted to strangle him.  She was just like, "Sorry, Sir.  The tour is full, but you can sign up for another one in the lobby."

And then he probably mentioned her "pinching his ass" again.  So at that point, the only people amused are his family members.  Everybody else is giving him the death stare.  So he comes up to our group and gets all in our face and says, "WHERE IS THE HAPPINESS IN THIS FAMILY!?!?!  LIGHTEN UP WAH WAH!"  We just stared at him like he was a fool. 

The girl in front of us turned around and said, "What an idiot!  Looks like somebody toured the winery before this!"

Spotted: Macramae Koozie

I was in Myrtle Beach over the weekend, and I went to Fat Harold's with my family.  Fat Harold's is a shag club where lots of adults and "mature" people go to dance to beach music.  It's pretty entertaining as there's always a really colorful crowd. 

Well, my sisters and I (and Jen(na)) were just sitting at a table watching everybody, and I noticed that the woman behind us had brought along a little something extra...it was a koozie.  She'd brought along her own koozie to keep her beer cool.  Alright.  That's okay.  A little random, but not too bad.  But then I noticed something weird about the koozie: it was macramaed out of yarn.  She had crafted her own koozie, and I guess she takes it everywhere.  Of course, we (stealthy) captured an image.  Here it is:

This is great!  It's the kind of thing you can only see at Myrtle Beach.  THIS is why I MUST move there!  No social pressure and macramed koozies.  It doesn't get better than that!

Misty Water Colored Memories: Mary Jane & Friends Bakery Products

All that talk about Nancy's face on the soap got me thinking about my favorite "realistic face on product."  Me and Amy were in Myrtle Beach during the year of 2005 (May to be exact), and we found this bread, and the brand was called "Mary Jane and Friends."  I have never seen this product in Raleigh...only at M.B.  God knows why they are the only ones who get to feel its wonder.  I guess we'll never know. 

So anyways,  this bread was hilarious for a number of reasons.

• The obvious: the doobieliscious name.

• The fact that it is not just Mary Jane alone, but she has two side kicks (both of whom look much younger than her...perhaps she is their sitter?)
• Her male friend's choice of garb (the button-up denim shirt with a few claps left undone to reveal a stylish white cotton turtleneck --- hey, at least it's not a mock)
• Mary Jane's hairstyle.  We found her sideswept emo bangs highly entertaining at the time.
• The little blurb above the title that reads "enriched buns."

We were so pleased with our find that we decided to roll the shopping cart into the condo and photograph ourselves WITH Mary Jane and her two cohorts by means of the self timer function on the camera.  See below:

Every time we went to MB after the initial discovery of MJ and Friends, we made a point to pick up another of their products.  In time, I think we went through a bag of hot dog buns (and we didn't even have hot dogs), a loaf of bread and a pack of yeast rolls.  We could have kept collecting, but MJ & F is becoming increasingly harder to find.

Perhaps I will send them some fan mail in hopes of obtaining a few coupons, or even better, some free merchandise adorned with their logo.

Oh good!  I found the pictures of us with their other products.  PLEASE excuse the way I look in these shots.  With its lack of social pressures, I do not take great pride in my appearance when on holiday at Myrtle Beach (especially in 2005).   And in one of these photos, we were dressed up pretending to be an emo band, so that may offer a bit of comfort to the unsettled feeling you might get upon viewing:

I made the previous one smaller in hopes to keep our appearances as inoffensive as possible.  

My Best Friend is Funny: Nancy Soap

Two of my best friends (Amy and Heather) lived in Panama (Central America) for a while, and I have a bunch of pictures from their time there saved to my computer...I used to live with Amy, and she put her pics on my laptop.  Anyways, I stumbled upon a few pictures that make me laugh really hard, and I felt compelled to share them with you surfers of the web. 

When Amy first showed me these little gems, I was 10 shades of confused.  Now if I imagine correctly, I'm willing to bet that you're, upon seeing these for the first time, feeling a bit perplexed as well.  Well apparently, there is a brand of soap in Panama called "Nancy."  Not only is Nancy funny for simply being a realistic face on a pack of soap, but she could not look anymore non-Panamanian.  It's just really random.  So Amy, sharing my love for puss-clad products, was compelled to hold "Nancy" up to some traditional Panamanian posters in hopes of creating a superimposed Nancy head look.  What Amy did create was a brilliant photograph!  One in which, you can hardly tell what is real and what isn't.  I especially love the first one. Pure genius I tell you!  I LOVE AMY!!! By the way, it is her birthday tomorrow, so send her your wishes!

Here is an extra shot of the soap without a poster in the background.  It might clear up any additional puzzlement.

Spotted: Pervy Guy on I-40

My sister and I were driving home from South Point Mall on I-40.  Coasting along next to us was a black Chevrolet Aveo with FL tags.  Inside was a normal looking man.  He was probably in his late 20s with a slim build and black gelled hair.  He was wearing sleek sunglasses and a slippery looking black zip up jacket.  He kind of reminded me of Neo in The Matrix.

So we were just driving away, minding our own business, when something caught KT's eye.  "What is that guy doing?" She asked.  "Are those thongs?"

I turned to look, and she was right.  The man had a handful of multicolored G-strings in his fist.  He was driving with his wrists, and shifting through the panties.  It appeared that he was counting them. 

"Well, that's weird," I said.

"Yeah." 

We drove on some more. 

"OHMIGOD, Mary!"  KT shouted.  "NOW HE HAS A DILDO!"

I looked over, and sure enough, the man was holding an average sized Caucasian rubber schlong. Before I could shake off my shock, the guy flings the white peen onto the passenger seat and grabs a VERY large African American model; this one was complete with balls. 

At this point we were driving erratically (no longer minding our own business) trying to see what this guy was going to do next.  Well we were in for a treat, because next he stuck the giant black d*ck in his MOUTH!  Yes in the pie-hole the member went. 

We were in shock!  What in the world?!  This average looking guy was just driving down 40 sticking man-made genitalia in his mouth.  Now I've seen it all!  I really don't know how I see so many weird things all the time.  I'm a magnet for weirdos.

So then we regained our composure, and the man exited on Harrison Ave.  Maybe he was making a  porno at The Umstead Hotel?  Or maybe he was just making a pit stop at the ChickFila.  I have no idea. 

XOXO Cliff Pant-one

Life's Little Riddles: Who takes a segway tour of Raleigh?

Okay!  I know Raleigh is really growing, and the downtown area is really booming.  I know this.  I am downtown everyday, and I love it.  I think Raleigh is great.  I really do.  But there are some things I don't understand.  One of these things is the segway tours.  Segways are those dopey little two-wheeled contraptions that you stand on and scoot around.  Sometimes the meter-maids and security guards have them.  Also, if you watch VH1, you may have seen Terry "Hulk" Hogan zipping around on his segway on Meet The Hogans.  Personally, I think segways are completely ridiculous.  I think they're meant to be compact little scooters or something, but they're huge and bulky and you look like a douche-bag riding one.  Why not just ride a Rascal Scooter?!  I mean, at least you'd be able to sit down.

So with that said, I will tell you that there is a company that offers guided segway tours of downtown Raleigh.  Yeah.  They scoot around in my way all day long. I will be stopped at a stoplight, and they will whiz through the crosswalk in front of me. So like 20 people on segways will go by, and they are taking longer than the light!  Sometimes when I'm walking downtown, I can't even get across the sidewalk because of all the segways!

Here is a shot of it happening to me today (this lady was, as I like to say, a straggler):

Now the question: who in the world wants to take a segway tour of downtown Raleigh?  Are they tourists?  And just to be clear, I still think tourists in Raleigh are a myth (like pockets).  Are they just people with a day off who want to see the sights?  Are they here on business with a little down time?  I just don't know.  I love Raleigh, but I can't imagine taking a segway tour of it.  I can't help it.  I think segways wack! 

And YES, I know Raleigh's growth is good, but I still hate segways and their tours.  Don't even get me started on the bike taxis!

Check out Triangle Segway's websiteto see all the places they go.  You will also get to view some really silly photos of people on segways.  Actually, please click on it.  The pictures make me laugh really hard. 

Spotted: "Happy" Turtle/Tortoise

It seems that I've been posting quite a few genetalia blogs lately!  They're just flowin' like The Jordan!  I guess we know what's on my mind!  I kid! I kid! 

Anyways, I went to the Audubon Zoo in New Orleans over the weekend.  Me and my friend were looking at the giant tortoises or turtles or whatever, and we noticed this one was all rolled over on his side.  Actually, everybody noticed.  A large crowd was drawing. He was all wiggling around like he was stuck- just rockin back and forth.  Then me and Amy noticed that his manhood was exposed, and THAT is why everybody was so intrigued. Poor little guy.  Everybody was just standing there staring at him and his junk (a bunch of pervs) pointing and laughing!  Although, the tortoise/turtle DID kind of look like he was stretched out in a seductive pose with his tube steak strategically placed to lure in the ladies (lady turtles/tortoises that is). Maybe he liked the crowd?  I don't know. 

I also don't know if this is a weird thing to post.  It seemed like a good idea when I started writing, but now I just feel uncomfortable and creeped out.  I hope this entry doesn't attract a slew of people with turtle fetishes...

Anyways, here is the picture for all you weirdos:
Probably not the best angle.  A shot from the other side would have shown more.  Actually, this view is fine.  I think we've seen enough!

XOXO- Mr. Pant-one

Spotted: Perverted Scribblings in Sky Mall Magazine (X-RATED Not for the faint of heart)

Over the weekend, I traveled to New Orleans to visit my best friend.  We had barrels of fun, but that is besides the point.  The point is that I took a plane to NOLA- Continental to be exact.  Bored with my book, I decided to flip through the Sky Mall magazine.  You know, the one with all the most random things that nobody would ever buy.  Well, I was kind of considering shelling out the cash for the marshmallow gun., but I was able to get a hold of myself... 

So anyways, I was just browsing though the pages, and I noticed that somebody had gone through the magazine and circled a bunch of pictures.  Then as I got further into the publication, the circles evolved into penises and all sorts of inappropriate stuff of a sexual nature.  So of course I kept reading and then decided that I had to keep the magazine. 

Here are some of my favorite drawings (click to enlarge):
This ad features Blitzen Family Bottle Stoppers.  The artist has added giant wangs to all of the reindeer.  At least the one laying down seems to be wearing a condom.  I'm pretty confident that's what that is, because whoever did this also wrote "condom" on a bunch of pages.  I think he was just going with that theme.
This photo of a lady making up her bed has been defaced with a small bald man lying in the bed with a giant boner.  In response to the giant member in her face, the lady says, "I'm ready!"
Here we have a train set.  The conductor is shouting, "READY FOR SEX!"  A heading has also been penned labeling the train "Sex Train Oh! Oh!" 
This was one of my favorites.  The Animatronic Singing and Talking Elvis has a floating peter stratigically placed up on his face.  Then we have the message slapped ontop of the original discription, which reads "Evlis fucker super dick action."  I'm sorry people.  I do not mean to offend.  I didn't write this.  I'm just here to report. Thankfully I was there to remove the magazine so that no children thummed through the pages.  I'm sure it will be safe from virgin eyes here on the internet.  Hopefully they will heed the warning I attached to the heading of this post.
Here we have the ultrasound toothbrush that has been altered to display a penis cleaner.  You get a free condom if you buy two!  By the way, I wonder how old this vandal was.  From the handwriting, I'd say about six.  But he/she knows some pretty adult words.  Maybe it's a 25 year old with bad penmanship.  It kind of seems like something I'd do.  Notice I said kind of.  That is because I wouldn't actually do this.  I'd probably draw unicorns or guidos all over it.

WARNING: Some may find the following photo extra offensive.  So stop reading here if you might be that type.
I don't know if I need to describe what is going on here or not, but I will.  A hovering peen is releasing it's magic juice into the kitty's water bow.  Oh my.  What troubled youth!

There were many many more photos.  The photo advertising moccasins had a condom in the shoe.  Harry Balls was scrawled across one page, and something resembling a fried egg was drawn on top of a picture of a golf course.

Anyways, I got a good laugh out of it.  People are great.

XOXO~ Cliffy

Frozen in Time: Old Nude Bystanders!

Here are some pictures my friend sent me from a trip she took to The Dominican Republic.  I think the photos speak volumes! 

 

Obviously, Exhibit A was a nice old tush in a thong!  But Exhibit B features a thong clad man ALONG with a completely nude woman basking in the sunlight on her chase lounge.  It's just fun to look at.  I wonder where the old chaps are now!

Send me your photos now!

Cliff's Favorite Things (Just like Oprah's, but you buy it yourself): Myrtle Beach Airbrush T-shirts

I went to Myrtle Beach over Labor Day weekend with my girlfriends for, what we like to call, "Prossy Time"-  feel free to interpret that as you like.  Durring PT, we drink and eat a lot and pretty much act like a bunch of asshats (sorry, but I've recently discovered this term, and quite frankly, I'm pretty addicted to saying it).   

Myrtle Beach is notorious for crustashes and obnoxious airbrushed T-shirts.  We really wanted to get into the Myrtle Beach mindset, so since we are girls and can't grow sparse patches of hair above our upper lips, we decided to go with the airbrushed T option.  And to be honest, Sarah deserves full credit for this idea.  She is genius. 

We did a lot of debating over what would go on the shirt, but finally we came to a conclusion.  The shirts would creatively read, "Prossy Time 2008."  We also wanted to incorporate rasins into the shirt somehow, since we'd been saying, "you don't need a ra'sin to love a rasin" all weekend. 

When inquiring where we could obtain some airbrushed treasures, a local told us there was a guy who did them at a kiosk at the Tanger Outlets on 17.  So we headed over there.  Then we began to hunt for the alleged guy through the maze of stores. Finally, we caught sight of some splotches of neon paint in the distance.  We'd found it.

We checked out some samples and realized that this guy was pretty good!  We saw some shirts that had a group of girls sitting on a beach.  We asked if he could do that with six girls.  He said that six wouldn't fit.  Then I asked, "What about six raisins???"  He didn't even act like it was a strange request.  Although, I'm sure he gets people asking for weird junk on shirts all the time down there.  I mean, I'd just walked past a couple wearing matching shirts that featured a pair of airbrushed hugging bears.

So anyways, he said he could do it.  I didn't expect the shirts to come out nearly as amazingly as they did.  I thought he would just put some brown circles with arms and legs on the shirts, but he put them infront of the ocean just like the one with the girls on the beach.  It was better than my wildest Myrtle Beach Dreams!  PERFECT!  See for yourself (click to enlarge):


In all seriousness, this guy is an amazing artist!  The details were impeciable.  You should see all the other stuff he had on display! He works for ADT Designs.  Visit there website here!  I guess the company does all sorts of murals, but the one man also works at the booth at the Tanger Outlets.  His name is Abe Baruchi, and here is a photo of him:

Please visit their website and contact him if you are need of an airbrushed item or mural.