Okay, now I've seen it all! They've made SNUGGIES for DOGS!!! You have GOT to go to this websiteand check out the video. These dogs are a great- verging on Oscar worthy. They actually seem to like wearing their Sunggies.
I ALMOST want to buy one of these. It would be great to put one on Tyra. I wonder what it would look like belted and a little jazzed up? I think she's love it. Of course, then I'd have to chase her around with the camera, and she does NOT like being photographed. Such is life!
Anyways, if any of you decides to purchase a Snuggie for your pooch, you must tell me how it is. And I'll give some advice: shell out the extra dinero for the EXTRA luxurious fleece material. It's worth it.
So hopefully the Snuggie for felines will be out soon. It doesn't seem fair to let the cats miss out on all the really good things in life.
So I went out this weekend, and I may have drank a bit too much. I was at a bar, and they had a band playing there. I thought one of the band members was cute, so I formulated a GENIUS plan to hit on him. I was sitting across the bar at my table when the perfect "line" came into my head. I got up from my seat and walked confidently up to the side of the stage.
I tapped the guy on the shoulder. He turned around. And I say...
"You have something in your teeth."
He gave me a dirty look, turned around and resumed playing.
Needless to say, I did not leave an impression on his heart. What was I thinking? Why did I think that basically insulting him would impress him? I guess I may never know.
This submission features quite a few [not-so] innocent bystanders. We have:
Man in the back "brushing his shoulders off." Although, he could be falling...
Girl hunching over with her mouth open, and her friend (or maybe it's a frienemy...) who is attempting to photograph this. Hopefully, THAT shot doesn't make it onto Facebook!
Then we have a girl squatting down next to the photographer. Maybe she's "dropping it like it's hot." Or maybe she lost her contact lens!!!
So many gems in this photo! Imagine how many YOU could be in!! It's scary, right?
A while ago on Tough Love, Steve had the girls participate in a game called CUTE OR CRAZY? In this game, a random quirk or idiosyncrasy about each girl was announced to all male audience. Then the guys would determine whether their quirk was "cute" or "crazy." For example: one of the girls had unicorn tapestries all over her apartment. Another woman always wore an engagement ring that she'd proposed to herself with. It was all very chauvinistic, but that's besides the point.
All of this got me thinking, because I do do some pretty weird things. I mean, I don't propose to myself or anything, but I do have my fair share of eccentricities. Like, I think it's hilarious to buy tacky needle-points and porcelain figurines at thrift store and then decorate my house with them. I mean, it's pretty much a joke, but some people don't "get it." I mean, when I have a guest over for the first time, will they understand that my wooden plaque with mother/daughter unicorns drinking serenely from a babbling brook is just for kicks? Will they get the ironic, it's hip to be square kind of thing?
Another thing that causes me even more concern is my snowglobe collection. I've been collecting them since I was in high school, and I'm completely obsessed with them. Since it's been almost 10 years since I began assembling my assortment, the number of domes I've gathered has really grown. I mean, I buy snowglobes when I go out of town AND people buy them for me. I have A LOT. And they're proudly displayed in my room, right next to my bed. In other words, they're not a joke like the needle-points.
I always loved my snowglobes. I'd dust them often and wrap them individually whenever I moved. But one day, I had a new visitor. This visitor looked at my beloved collection and said, "ARE THOSE SNOWGLOBES?!" I said, "YES." I mean, what did he think they were? Big earrings? Then he started laughing really hard. I was just thinking he was drunk or something, but later he told me that it reminded him of Christine Taylor's character in Dodge Ball and how she had a massive collection of unicorns in her house. And how in the movie when a guy who was interested in her came over, he was all freaked out by her unis.
So ever since then, I've been self-conscious of my snowglobe collection. For a size reference: it takes up about two shelves on my bookshelf. I didn't even buy any snowglobes when I went to Europe this year, because this has really been weighing on my mind. It was kind of sad, but maybe it's just something I need to grow out of. I kind of think I should just be true to myself and keep on with the snowglobes. I mean, how are snowglobes any different from magnet collections or cookie jar collections? Maybe this guy was simply intimidated? But who knows, maybe it IS CRAZY and not cute?
Whatever, I'm keeping them.
(PS That is an actual picture of part of my collection)
Hey! Just wanted to let y'all know that I'm writing for Examiner.com. I'm Raleigh's Reality TV Examiner! Pretty perfect, right? Sooo, click here to check out my page! I'm JUST starting, but keep checking back for updates. Or better yet, SUBSCRIBE!!! I'll be covering a lot of MTV, VH1, Bravo, E!, Oxygen and duh- So You Think You Can Dance.
Each week on New York Goes to Work, Tiffany Pollard (aka Flavor of Love's New York) gets placed at a new undesirable job. For instance, one week she worked as an exterminator. If she completes the job to the approval of the boss, she receives $10,000 (which I think is way too much for ONE day of work...they should have probably just kept that number to themselves, with the economic crisis we're in and all. But hey, maybe New York can single-handedly save the economy by buying lots of vodka and ranch dressing...). ANYWAYS, the show is kind of good, because New York is hilarious. Although, this show is kind of like a copy of The Simple Life, which is WAY better (dare I say, THE BEST SHOW EVER?!).
But back on track: This week, New York was set to work at a nudest colony. Of course, she was freaking out about all the loose dong and boobs, because as it commonly seems: most people at nudest colonies are either senior citizens or large.
So there was one man there that New York deemed "Big Fat Hairy Man." This guy was really flamboyant and annoying. He kept asking her to find "the floaties" for him, which I can only assume (and hope) were some sort of pool toys.
The main issue with BFHM? He was not nude! Now some of the people there were wearing vests or open Hawaiian shirts (don't ask me why), but this guy was obviously wearing some sort of speedo or loin cloth. That's fine! I mean, only expose what you're comfortable with! But New York repeatedly freaked out over his junk. Take a look here: As you can see, I've circled BFHM's apparel in Microsoft Paint. I refuse to believe these pieces of cloth are some sort of hip guard crotchless manties that let his peen fly free. I just don't buy it. SO this leads me to wonder: is this guy an actor?! I've often wondered this about New York's shows. Especially in New York Goes to Hollywood when she had to do that Japanese commercial where she said "BECAUSE LIFE TAKES CHOPS" and the director was a complete lunatic who was throwing stuff all over the place and acting like a demon who was 3 seconds away from murdering everybody.
So even though I feel betrayed by the producers at New York Goes to Work, I was not that worried. But I was worried when I saw this on BFHM: I don't know what in the world that is hanging out under his gut. On the TV it looked like a towel, but now it looks like a giant donut. Maybe it is one of "the floaties?" What do YOU think?!
I was in line at the pharmacy last night, picking up my eye drops (since a bug assaulted my eye, and BRUISED it, and gave me PINK EYE), and I noticed these little socks called Kushyfoot. I guess they are padded socks or something, and they're supposed to be really comfortable. They're for women, so of course they made some "cute" cartoon girl on the package. Maybe it's supposed to make the product seem trendy or relateable. Or it's supposed to make it seem like these padded socks aren't just for old grannies! They're for pert little blondes with ENORMOUS fake fun-bags!!!
Yeah. That's where I have a problem. This girl, who I'll dub The Kushyfoot Girl, has the most giant boobs ever. Her proportions are farther out of wack than Barbie's (before she got her new, more realistic body)! All I could do was stare at The Kushyfoot Girl's chest. Then I felt like a perv. Then I started taking photos of her with my phone, and felt even more creepy. (For the record, I don't think anybody noticed.)
Here are the pics:
You will have to excuse the poor photo quality- the Helio isn't what it used to be. Anyhow, you will have to trust me when I say that her tatas looked even bigger in real life. And in the third picture, it looks like her boobs are being cuffed underneath by some weird seam in her blouse. Oh me. Kushyfoot Girl doesn't even look that modern. She looks kind of retro, but she does appear to have used "THE BUMP HAIRPIECE". Maybe they made her look old fashion on purpose so their marketing plan wouldn't exclude senior citizens. She's young, but she's old- it kind of targets EVERY market. Hey, it even targets men who like large bosoms. Maybe the Kushyfoot marketing team is onto something.
Either way, I think her boobs are ridiculously large, and I think it's weird that they would make them so oversized. Maybe Kushyfoot Girl should try out for Rock of Love 4, because I don't really see Bret and Taya lasting that long.
Cliff Pant-one will be handing down the title of "Most Annoying Person on Reality TV" from Lacey of Rock of Love to Aliea from The Bad Girls Club. Here's why:
Aliea thinks that she is a "bad girl." All she is is an insecure hypocrite who talks trash to get everybody rilled up. She would never hold her own in a fight. She is always threating to kick Amber's ass, but the one time she ever did anything, she kicked Amber in the stomach when other people were holding her down. Not very hardcore. The only time she can hurt somebody is when they're totally defenseless? She could have fought Amber when she was on the patio in LA, when she was flinging lawn tables all around? But no. She waited until Amber was curled in a ball on the ground and kicked her in the stomach so many times that she bruised her foot. That is MESSED up!
Then the next day, she (along with others) gloated about it. She said stuff like, "Amber can't handle it. She's probably never been jumped before." Have you been jumped Aleia? Sorry, if you have, but it's not just a normal thing that happens. It's probably pretty hard to deal with. If YOU got jumped, I'm willing to bet that you'd be reacting even worse than Amber. Especially if hardly anybody was on your side, and it was 2 against 5.
On top of the fighting situation, Aliea:
Talks baby talk
Does things like stand on the table looking at her flowers, thinking she is adorable
Wear suspenders and tall socks
Is a total hypocrite, because she talks shit all day long and then gets INSANE about people talking shit. She actually just gets insane for no reason. Somebody will be mad, and then she's just eggs them on. Then she trys to turn everybody against weak targets.
She cheats on her boyfriend
She cried about going Speed Dating because she is insecure and wants attention and for people to ask her what is wrong (just like she accused Amber of doing after being JUMPED, which is a lot more serious than SPEED DATING)
I really could go on all day. Aliea is the most annoying person on TV, period. I don't know if anybody will ever be able to steal her crown. But this is actually a serious issue. Aliea has some real problems if she treats people the way she does, sceming and manipulating because of her own weakness and insecurity. So she really needs help. And apparently she has already been in a mental hospital, so I'm guessing she knows that something she is doing is not right.
Also, young girls who are watching this need to know that it is NEVER okay to fight. Most all of these girls are weak people who are letting anger get the best of them. They never make any sense when they're talking. They are total followers. And JUMPING people is especially never okay! It kind of makes me mad that they would show something like that on reality TV, but I guess they can show whatever they want. I just feel like this is going to make teenage girls think that it's okay to be catty, bitchy, manipulative, constantly drunk, irrational, immature, aggressive, explosive, and all the other things that The Bad Girls are.
I'm in Asheville this weekend with two of my girlfriends. Today we went to see The Biltmore Estate. Well, you kind of wander though the house on a self-guided tour, and the hugest douche-bag was behind us. He was a complete redneck idiot- the kind of person that is why stereotypes are created.
Now, it is pretty quiet in the house. It's like a museum, everybody
looking at the stuff and listening to their headphone tour thingies. Well, this tour guide lady (who was really young and pretty) was coming down a narrow hallway, and she was asking everybody to scoot over so the tour group could squeeze through. So when the guide walked past said man, the guy SCREAMS "HEY NOW, QUIT PINCHING MY ASS, LADY! YOU ARE SOOOO FORWARD!!!" Everybody turns to look at him, kind of like who is this tool and he's like "AHAHAHAHAH." Then he grabs his friend and pushes his way into the tour group line, and tries to go in the blocked off area with them. He's shoving everybody around in this really tight space, knocking into us and laughing like he just the biggest riot ever. He keeps saying, "HEY WE'RE IN THE TOUR WE'RE PART OF THE TOUR. HUCK HUCK LET'S GO ON THE ROOF!"
The guide was being so nice to him, but it was obvious that she wanted to strangle him. She was just like, "Sorry, Sir. The tour is full, but you can sign up for another one in the lobby."
And then he probably mentioned her "pinching his ass" again. So at that point, the only people amused are his family members. Everybody else is giving him the death stare. So he comes up to our group and gets all in our face and says, "WHERE IS THE HAPPINESS IN THIS FAMILY!?!?! LIGHTEN UP WAH WAH!" We just stared at him like he was a fool.
The girl in front of us turned around and said, "What an idiot! Looks like somebody toured the winery before this!"
Katie and I went to Subway tonight. You know, we thought a nice veggie delight sub would be just perfect after our power walk.
So we were standing in line, and some guy comes in. "You can go ahead of us," she told him.
To that he says, "Oh cool. I'm just getting some green peppers anyways."
We gave said guy a sideways glance as he scooted forward and requested a bag of peps. The sandwich artist dutifully filled a cookie bag with the peppers.
Then when he got to the register, the cashier/owner or manager was like, "That will be $1 (I'm not sure that is the right amount, but something like that)."
The guy goes, "Oh really? Well, I don't have any money. I've gotten these here like twice before and never had to pay."
"Well you pay now!"
"Alright, let me go out to my car."
So the guy goes out to scamper up some change, and the owner starts muttering under his breath about how annoying it is to always be giving that guy peppers.
Guy comes back in, pays for the peps, and leaves.
Now WHY was he buying peppers? Here are some possibilities: -He worked at a restaurant near by that had run out of peppers. -He was using them to get high some how. -He was making stir-fry at home and had all the ingredients but green peppers. -He forgot to buy peppers at the store, and he remembered right when he was passing Subway. -He is poor and thought that peppers were free, so he figured he could only afford to eat free Subway peppers.
Now those may seem like valid reasons, but for most of them, it would make more sense just to get peppers at Kroger, which is the next block over. Plus, what are the odds that some of those would happen 3 times (cause he said he went twice before). I mean, a cookie bag full of peppers would not be sufficient to feed a nights worth of clientele at most restaurants, plus this guy was not wearing a restaurant uniform (he was dressed in a patterned black hoodie and baggie jeans while he wore his hair in a side swept emo style). I am genuinely stumped. Please let me know if you have any theories!!
One day when I was in high school, my friend and I were eating a meal at Lucky 32. I'm fairly sure we ordered the "Lucky Club," because that is what we always ordered. It was delish. Too bad they changed the menu and closed the location most convenient to me...and too bad I also don't eat meat anymore, so I wouldn't be able to ENJOY the LC now anyway...
BACK TO THE ANECDOTE!
So we were eating, and all of a sudden my friend got really wide eyed and goes, "Oh my god! There's a horse with shoes on!"
At the time, we were young, dumb high school kids who had recently been experimenting with "ways to expand our minds." I thought she was having some sort of a flashback, and she was freaking me out. I refused to turn around and look at this mirage she was "seeing." "Stop it," I shushed! "People are going to hear you and think you're crazy!"
"No, I'm serious. There's a horse with shoes on. A tiny horse!"
Reluctantly, I turned around. This is what I saw:
(note: this is not the actual horse I saw, nor is it the location in which I saw it)
So yes, there it was: a horse with shoes on! Of course, it is a seeing eye horse, but I had never seen one before (and come to think of it, never again either).
The thought of seeing eye ponies brings a few thoughts to mind.
Why would people use a seeing eye horse instead of just using a seeing eye dog?
Why does the horse wear shoes? And in the pic above, it looks like the shoes are only covering half of his "feet."
Why is the horse so small?
Where can I get one?!
It seems to me, these SEHs would be as much of a curse as a blessing. I'm sure the seeing-impaired owner of the SEH is not able to go anywhere without attracting a crowd along with a load of questions and a bunch of annoying toddlers wanting to pet the pony!
Here's some info from The Guide Horse Foundation about who makes an ideal candidate for a guide horse:
Horse lovers - Blind
people who have grown up with horses and understand
equine behavior and care are ideal candidates.
Allergenic people - Many
people who are severely allergic to traditional guide
animals and find horses a non-allergenic alternative for
mobility.
Mature Individuals - Many
people report difficulty dealing with the grief of losing
their animals, and horses tend to live far longer
than traditional guides.
Physically Disabled folks
- Because of their docile nature, Guide Horses are
easier to handle for individuals with physical
disabilities. They are also strong enough to provide
support, helping the handler to rise from their chair.
Dog Phobia - Individuals who fear
dogs are often comfortable working with a tiny horse.
Outdoor Animal - Many individuals
prefer a guide animal that does not have to live in the house when off
duty.
So there you have it! If you're ever out in public and see one of these cute little horses, do not fear that you've become victim to the long term effects of psychedelic drug experimentation! It's just a guide horse!
Yet again, I've become the unwilling victim of BLOGGER'S BLOCK! Although my days have been good, nothing really hilarious or, as they say, wacky has been happening! However, I do have a feeling this weekend holds quite a few gems...just a hunch. But I feel like Cliff's been neglected, so I'm going to leave you all with this:
I was in Myrtle Beach over the weekend, and I went to Fat Harold's with my family. Fat Harold's is a shag club where lots of adults and "mature" people go to dance to beach music. It's pretty entertaining as there's always a really colorful crowd.
Well, my sisters and I (and Jen(na)) were just sitting at a table watching everybody, and I noticed that the woman behind us had brought along a little something extra...it was a koozie. She'd brought along her own koozie to keep her beer cool. Alright. That's okay. A little random, but not too bad. But then I noticed something weird about the koozie: it was macramaed out of yarn. She had crafted her own koozie, and I guess she takes it everywhere. Of course, we (stealthy) captured an image. Here it is:
This is great! It's the kind of thing you can only see at Myrtle Beach. THIS is why I MUST move there! No social pressure and macramed koozies. It doesn't get better than that!
Knowing exactly what I wanted, My step-mother (who will be referred to as SM from now on) ordered me a Snuggie for Christmas. I just got it today! Apparently Snuggies are are in very high demand, because it was six weeks back-ordered! My SM had received a card in the mail (the day before Christmas Eve), notifying her of the delay with the order. Along with the note, the Snuggie people thoughtfully included a link to an online photo of the Snuggie that people could print out and wrap up so that the recipients of the late Snuggie would have something to open on Christmas morning. I found that highly amusing. Sadly, my SM opted not to print out the photo, but I decided not to hold that against her.
Now I can rest easy, because I have my Snuggie. Despite the economic hard times, my SM shelled out the extra dinero for the Snuggie with the extra luxurious fleece fabric and handy pockets. It is delightful. I'm very warm, and my arms never have to leave the comfort of the blanket!
If I was forced to single out one point that could lead to the Snugggies demise, it would be this: it's not very stylish or flattering. In fact, it's ridiculous looking (as you can all tell from the above pictures). So being up for a challenge, I attempted to glamorize my Snuggie.
As you can see, I gave it a valiant effort:
I've belted the waist and draped the fabric into a cowl neck. Of course I also popped in my faux diamond studs and added a lil' lip gloss and rouge. And from the back:
I've formed the luxurious fleece into a low open back! And you can't see a lot of it, but there is a sexy slit up the back! In my opinion, this isn't that far a stretch from some of the frocks celebs wear to award shows. AND if you really want to know what I think, I'd say the tremendous coverage leaves more to the imagination. Final point: if I'd been fortunate enough to have been invited to an inauguration ball, I'd be donning this.
Two of my best friends (Amy and Heather) lived in Panama (Central America) for a while, and I have a bunch of pictures from their time there saved to my computer...I used to live with Amy, and she put her pics on my laptop. Anyways, I stumbled upon a few pictures that make me laugh really hard, and I felt compelled to share them with you surfers of the web.
When Amy first showed me these little gems, I was 10 shades of confused. Now if I imagine correctly, I'm willing to bet that you're, upon seeing these for the first time, feeling a bit perplexed as well. Well apparently, there is a brand of soap in Panama called "Nancy." Not only is Nancy funny for simply being a realistic face on a pack of soap, but she could not look anymore non-Panamanian. It's just really random. So Amy, sharing my love for puss-clad products, was compelled to hold "Nancy" up to some traditional Panamanian posters in hopes of creating a superimposed Nancy head look. What Amy did create was a brilliant photograph! One in which, you can hardly tell what is real and what isn't. I especially love the first one. Pure genius I tell you! I LOVE AMY!!! By the way, it is her birthday tomorrow, so send her your wishes!
Here is an extra shot of the soap without a poster in the background. It might clear up any additional puzzlement.
I have never played the popular video game Rock Band, but I'm well aware that it's a big hit among almost every bracket of the population. Well, lots of people on Facebook and stuff post pictures of themselves playing said game, and in most of the pictures, the people do not look like they're having fun. The shots make the game look sedentary and geriatric rather than cutting edge and thrilling. Point being, pictures of people play Rock Band do not make me want to join in. Let's take a look:
I do like that the singer in this group made the effort to stand upright.
At least this band's singer looks rather passionate.
This one appears to have been a secret candid.
Just loafing around!
I don't know. It MUST be funner than it looks! I mean, it has to be. I guess I will have to try it out, and take some photos of myself looking like a zombie vegetable holding two wooden pegs (sticks would have been the more appropriate word, but I enjoy saying pegs). Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bundle of lollies and fizzy drinks with my name on it! Ta-ta!
This is a still from the Aussie Shampoo commercial- the one where they're all playing volleyball, and this guy is on the side lines dancing like a spasming starfish. I find it highly entertaining. They're just playing ball, and then they flash over, for like a split second, to said marsupial. He looks insane. He's just convulsing for a second, humping the air. His tongue is hanging out of his mouth, for Chrissake. It's like he took some Xanax before the game and is trying to muster up the energy to cheer and look alive. Oh me. Just makes me laugh. Here's the full commercial:
My sister and I were driving home from South Point Mall on I-40. Coasting along next to us was a black Chevrolet Aveo with FL tags. Inside was a normal looking man. He was probably in his late 20s with a slim build and black gelled hair. He was wearing sleek sunglasses and a slippery looking black zip up jacket. He kind of reminded me of Neo in The Matrix.
So we were just driving away, minding our own business, when something caught KT's eye. "What is that guy doing?" She asked. "Are those thongs?"
I turned to look, and she was right. The man had a handful of multicolored G-strings in his fist. He was driving with his wrists, and shifting through the panties. It appeared that he was counting them.
"Well, that's weird," I said.
"Yeah."
We drove on some more.
"OHMIGOD, Mary!" KT shouted. "NOW HE HAS A DILDO!"
I looked over, and sure enough, the man was holding an average sized Caucasian rubber schlong. Before I could shake off my shock, the guy flings the white peen onto the passenger seat and grabs a VERY large African American model; this one was complete with balls.
At this point we were driving erratically (no longer minding our own business) trying to see what this guy was going to do next. Well we were in for a treat, because next he stuck the giant black d*ck in his MOUTH! Yes in the pie-hole the member went.
We were in shock! What in the world?! This average looking guy was just driving down 40 sticking man-made genitalia in his mouth. Now I've seen it all! I really don't know how I see so many weird things all the time. I'm a magnet for weirdos.
So then we regained our composure, and the man exited on Harrison Ave. Maybe he was making a porno at The Umstead Hotel? Or maybe he was just making a pit stop at the ChickFila. I have no idea.
There is a strange holiday decoration near my apartment. In one window, the occupants of the house have a Christmas Tree, and in the other window, they have this:
I know that it's really hard to see in this small ass picture from my Helio, but it's like a yellow smile face (with big googlie eyese) wearing a red bow-tie. It's really scary, and it reminds me of Jack the Pumpkin King from Nightmare Before Christmas. That is what I thought it was, but I couldn't figure out what JTPK would be yellow and smiling...unless of course he was an unusually gleeful victim of Jaundice.
Anyways, I am baffled as to what this creepy, smiley, bow-tie wearing face has to do with Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Years or anything that people would be decorating for at this time of year. Maybe it's a sick version of the New Year's Baby...it is bald. I bet that's it! If you have any other theories, please feel free to enlighten me!
I also may attempt to get a bigger shot with my camera, without looking like a stalker.
Last night, I went to Stool Pigeons and there were girls walking around in their panties. No bras! Yeah! They were wearing "body art," but it wasn't even realistic, like when the girls at the Playboy Mansion wear body paint to look like clothes. It was just like random blotches on their boobs. I can't believe that they were allowed in the place like that. I asked some guy about it, and I think he said his friend was a tattoo artist who does "body art," and they painted them for some other guy's birthday. I'm not sure if that's accurate; I was pretty tipsy...
So, I'm sure you're all dying to see the naked ladies. Feast your eyes on this:
I don't know who that guy is, but I think it's a great picture. People were pretty much lining up to have their pictures taken with these girls. Here is on where you can see the art better:
I wonder if these girls woke up today and were like, "Gah- I think I was walking around with nothing but panties on at the bar. Was I? No...I don't think so..." Aside from having photos taken, they did a little dance to some songs that a band that was playing. It was also pretty entertaining to walk by and just seem the plopped in a booth drinking a beer in their skivvies as if it were totally normal. Oh me. Good times.
I saw something online about Chris Klein today, and it made me think of this old interview of him I read in Elle Magazine. It was probably about 2005 or something when the article came out. Either way, I remember reading it and thinking to myself, Wow! I can't believe the words coming out of this guys mouth. He's got to be the biggest ass-clown on the face of the earth.
I've dug up the interview:
ELLE: If you could play only one album to woo women, what would it be?
CHRIS KLEIN: I've been lucky enough that I don't need music for that.
ELLE: Is there a dish that you prepare to impress women?
CK: I don't need food to impress, man. It's a flash of a smile and a nice conversation. And at the end of the day, she's cooking the food.
ELLE: What's the one thing you could tell a woman to convince her that you aren't Paul, the thick jock you played in Election?
CK: Hello.
ELLE: This would convince her?
CK: Absolutely. You start making eyes across the room. Right then it's not a Paul Metzler situation. It's a predator-prey situation.
ELLE: Have you always been this confident?
CK: I grew into myself fairly late. The first girl I was ever with, you know, kissing and getting blow jobs, I was a freshman in high school and she was a senior. And she was hot too, by the way.
ELLE: When would have been a better time to start? Fifth grade?
CK: It's just that right at that moment, I didn't really get it. But she showed me the ropes, and I took it from there.
ELLE: Is there a common misconception that you feel you need to correct when you're with a woman?
CK: If there is and they don't get it right away, they're gone.
ELLE: Is there anything you don't want women to learn about you?
CK: Nothing. I don't have many secrets. At the same time, I stay very closed off until a woman deserves to know me completely.
ELLE: Isn't it tough for a woman to figure you out if you won't talk?
CK: Hey, man, I'm not here to hold hands and babysit. She's got to come to the table with something.
ELLE: Any weaknesses in relationships?
CK: Trying to control the situation. You have to give her enough credit to let her take the reins once in a while. But if it's a two-week spark-off, f--k it. Have a blast and fizzle out. It can be just as fun.
ELLE: How do you extricate yourself from these “spark-offs�
CK: I don't placate. I tell 'em straight up.
ELLE: Let's pretend we're dating. What do you say to get rid of me?
CK: You and I are definitely not dating. Role-playing is fun and all, but you're a dude and I'm an alpha heterosexual.
ELLE: You're an actor, for God's sake! Pretend.
CK: How hot are you?
ELLE: I'm a solid 7.5.
CK: I only date 8 to 10s.
ELLE: What's the worst thing a woman has ever said to you?
CK: "You're an asshole." The time it really hurt was when a stranger said it. I was just trying to tell this chick to get lost. I try to treat all women with respect whether they're pretty or ugly. I want to be nice and be like, "Wow, thanks for the attention. But get out of my face."
ELLE: Are you cool with it if a woman you like gains a few pounds?
CK: I'm not tolerant of that at all.
ELLE: So do you tell them to lose weight?
CK: When a woman isn't feeling good about herself and you combine that with her period, eventually she'll ask you if you like her body. You have to say no.
ELLE: Don't you think they're just looking for you to say, “You look beautiful to me, honey�
CK: If they do, it's placating. I don't placate.
ELLE: Who's "the one that got away?"
CK: Every beautiful actress I've ever worked with. I've got this policy that you don't sleep with them; it complicates stuff. So it's the Heather Grahams, the Rebecca Romijns, the Mena Suvaris, and the Leelee Sobieskis of the world. They all got away.
ELLE: There's a lot on the Web about your being a devout Christian.
CK: That's because I went to Texas Christian University.
ELLE: So it's not as chaste as people might think?
CK: There you can be as dirty or as clean as you want to be. The ratio at TCU was three women to one man. It's an expensive school, full of daddy's little girls. I liked it when they called me Daddy. And they did, too, because they were all hungry.
ELLE: If you assembled all the women you've ever slept with in a room, what would they say about you?
CK: "We ended on good terms."
ELLE: If you had to commit to the number of women you'd like to sleep with before you marry, how many would it be?
CK: I think that for every dude the number is massive, and it just takes that one chick to punch you in the face, and all of a sudden you're walking down the aisle, whether you like it or not.
ELLE: Speaking of marriage, why did your engagement to Katie Holmes end?
CK: We both came to realize that it had run its course. We started dating when we were 20. We had an absolute ball, but we grew up. There's no reason to fight that.
ELLE: Do you feel like you'll ever be friends?
CK: Are we friends? Absolutely. Do we talk? No.
ELLE: Do you follow coverage of her engagement to Tom Cruise?
CK: No way. I've got fantasy football to play.
Wow. I guess freako Tom Cruise doesn't seem to bad compared with this winner. I'm still unsure though...I mean, maybe he's joking. I can't imagine he would actually say stuff like that. Although, who would knowingly make such a jackass out of themselves in a major magazine for a laugh? Has Klein even been in a movie lately? Hmm. He and Ginnifer Goodwin just broke up. I wonder if he'll still be pulling in 10s? He's not exactly the big C-Lister he used to be!
I find it odd that I don't know any firefighters. I just feel like I should know one. So I posted this ad on Craigslist.
I'd like to meet a fire fighter please.
I'd like to meet a fire fighter between the ages of 24 and 34. Preferably one from up north with a thick Bostonian accent.
I am 24, and I look great. I have a college degree and a job. I'm hilarious, and I love to drink, so please respond if you fit the above description.
I will need to see some sort of pay stub to prove that you're actually a fire fighter. Also, please send photos
Thanks!
Of course, I would not really feel comfortable meeting some random person from Craigslist, but I just thought it was funny, and I wanted to see if anybody would respond.
Well, in a matter of hours I had like 15 replies. Most were either boring or perverted. One was very hateful. Somebody was really pissed that I asked to see a pay-stub, and said that I'm making women look bad and that they hope the guy will punch me in the face with his thick Boston accent. Gesh...I didn't know people took the Craiglist personals so seriously. Take a joke, people.
One response was my favorite. The guy attached a photo, but I feel like I should let him remain anonymous. Here's what he said:
Hi,
Nice to meet you here. I am [name] 25 M india currently working in Raleigh as communications engineer and living near by [location] at a hotel . I am new to Raleigh feeling bored in week ends i lke to go out and party in week ends and may be like to be with you in home if you like and you can stay at my hotel room too.
I am 5.6 medium built ,kind honest looking for real friendship and more :)- if you like me :)-really i liked your post
i am basically from india if intrsted pls do call me @ 919 ***-****, we can meet if you are intrested .
I do not have car it will be gr8 if you have an car :)- looking forward to meet you darling
My favorite part is when he asks if I have a car. Plus, I find it very endearing that this guy has offered to let me stay at his hotel without even seeing a photo of me...and being so forthcoming with his whereabouts and phone number. Now, that's having a big heart. I don't know if he is really as lonely as he says though. In the photo he attached, there was a bed in the background with, what appeared to be, somebody's feet hanging off it. I just hope he does find somebody to hang out with. Oh! I just realized that this guy isn't even a firefighter. I must have skimmed over the communications engineer part. Hmm. Can't blame a guy for trying...I DID make myself sound pretty appealing in the ad.
Anyways, I took my post down a few minutes after gathering all my responses. I didn't want to flood my inbox with porn and spam...or other further emails full of hateful insults!
I guess my venture into the world of CL Personals was not a success, and I am positive that I will not take that route the next time I'm trying to meet a man in uniform. I think I'll just loiter around the fire house up the street from me...or maybe I'll put my shih tzu in a tree, and call them to get her down.
I don't have a loto of time, but I wanted to get this out there ASAP. I feel it's that important. Beyonce is Elle's January cover girl. Being creative genuises, they decided to come out with TWO covers for her. One is for newstands, and one is for subscribers. Let's take a look:
This is the one on newstands. It doesn't really look like Beyonce to me. But whatever. It's not that bad. It's just like any other Elle cover, and her rack does look great. So here is the one that they sent to subscribers, people who already pay for the magazine and don't get to choose not to buy a certain issue based on the cover. Essentially, people who are going to be stuck with the magazine regardless.
Holy, mother of pearl! It looks like she having a hernia! No. No. No. This is not fierce, B! I would love to hear some thoughts on this cover from Miss J and Tyra B. I just have no words. Now you see why THIS one didn't make the checkout aisle.
PS Am I the only one out there who CAN'T STAND her new song?!
I just found out that Gumby's Pizza offers a pizza with pepperoni, bacon, mozzarella sticks and french fries. All of that stuff comes piled on the pizza. Cleverly, this concoction is called "Stoner Pie." I just find this wildly interesting. Here is the only picture I could find:
I love mozzarella sticks and fries, but I don't think I'd want them on top of my pizza. Maybe on the side. Either way, I know what I'm having for dinner tonight! SUSHI!
I’ll start by saying that I’m not a huge fan of Christmas music. Call me Scrooge, I don’t care!I’ve been called worse!But whether I like them or not, seasonal songs are inescapable.That said, I’ve noticed some weird Christmas song lyrics, and I will be highlighting them up until the point when I stop hearing them.
In The Carpenters classic “Merry Christmas Darling,†Karen belts out, “logs on the fire fill me with desire.â€To me, that sounds weird.It sounds like she’s getting all randy thinking about logs.My sister agrees with me.“LOGS ON THE FIRE FILL ME WITH DESIRE…â€Oh Karen!It seems that she's able to turn the least suggestive objects raunchy.If stumpy old burning logs are filling her with desire, I wonder what happens when she sees a candy cane.And let’s not even dare to imagine what she’d do upon catching sight of a Hickory Farms Summer Sausage (they ARE a holiday favorite)!
Okay so the song does go on to say, “logs on the fire fill me with desire to see you and say, ‘Marry Christmas, darling’†It makes more since that way, but she kinda mumbles that last part out.I’m sticking to my theory that Karen Carpenter is hot in the trousers for fire logs.
Lacey Conner is the most annoying person on the planet. I want to throw telephone books at her head. How is she still on Rock of Love Charm School? She's like a roach that won't die (figuratively speaking, of course). Can't Sharon see that she is the devil?! Or is she just still on for ratings?! She makes me insane!!! AHHHH!!! MY blood is boiling! I can't believe Dallas got expelled. Dallas should have beat Lacey up when she had the chance (since she ended up going home for nothing).
Why is Lacey so annoying? 1. She acted like she was a starving artist when she really lived off her dad's money (and she's 32). 2. She acts like she is 14, trying to play games and get in everybody's face (and she's 32). 3. She has Hot Topic-esque dyed neon red hair (and she is 32). 4. She harps and harps about animal rights and she eats SALMON!!! (I don't even eat salmon!) 5. She looks like a wet rat/white female version of Ja Rule. 6. She thinks she's a rock star. 7. She is a master manipulator!
Typically, I try not to point out other peoples' bad points, but I think Lacey is the most annoying person on television (even more so than Gary Busey, Dustin Diamond, Dunbar from Real World, Neveen & Cordilla from Bad Girls Club, Spencer Pratt and Lauren Conrad combined). I just can't help it. I'm sure she would think it's fab that people hate her. I bet she loves it. If you've seen her on TV, you know what I mean. All I'm sayin' is that I'm going to quit watching the show if she's not expelled next week. Oh wait, who am I kidding...I'll never quit.
Okay! I know Raleigh is really growing, and the downtown area is really booming. I know this. I am downtown everyday, and I love it. I think Raleigh is great. I really do. But there are some things I don't understand. One of these things is the segway tours. Segways are those dopey little two-wheeled contraptions that you stand on and scoot around. Sometimes the meter-maids and security guards have them. Also, if you watch VH1, you may have seen Terry "Hulk" Hogan zipping around on his segway on Meet The Hogans. Personally, I think segways are completely ridiculous. I think they're meant to be compact little scooters or something, but they're huge and bulky and you look like a douche-bag riding one. Why not just ride a Rascal Scooter?! I mean, at least you'd be able to sit down.
So with that said, I will tell you that there is a company that offers guided segway tours of downtown Raleigh. Yeah. They scoot around in my way all day long. I will be stopped at a stoplight, and they will whiz through the crosswalk in front of me. So like 20 people on segways will go by, and they are taking longer than the light! Sometimes when I'm walking downtown, I can't even get across the sidewalk because of all the segways!
Here is a shot of it happening to me today (this lady was, as I like to say, a straggler):
Now the question: who in the world wants to take a segway tour of downtown Raleigh? Are they tourists? And just to be clear, I still think tourists in Raleigh are a myth (like pockets). Are they just people with a day off who want to see the sights? Are they here on business with a little down time? I just don't know. I love Raleigh, but I can't imagine taking a segway tour of it. I can't help it. I think segways wack!
And YES, I know Raleigh's growth is good, but I still hate segways and their tours. Don't even get me started on the bike taxis!
Check out Triangle Segway's websiteto see all the places they go. You will also get to view some really silly photos of people on segways. Actually, please click on it. The pictures make me laugh really hard.
Me and my sister went to Haven this weekend. It's a bar/club on Glenwood. I'm pretty sure that place is kinda lame, but we were across the street at Brooklyn Heights and figured we'd stop in a check it out. Well, we walked in and went directly to get a drink. In an effort to grab the bartender's attention, my sister started to lean over the bar. As soon as her skin hit the counter, she pulled away and screamed, "OHMIGODDDD!" Before I knew what was happening, she was running to the bathroom.
Turns out somebody had vomited ON the bar, and NOBODY had cleaned it up. It was just a big pile of upcuck sitting there. Nobody was even pointing at it or acting like it was odd. The bartender wasn't even put off by it. NOTHING.
You might be thinking, Didn't your sister see the throw up? Well, she did see something, and I actually saw something too. It was dark in there though. What she thought she saw was a mosaic tiled bar, and I thought somebody had spilled salsa. I didn't stop her from touching the salsa, because I didn't think she'd put her hands in it.
Well, she went to the bathroom and washed her hands with scalding hot water, and then we went to the bar and ordered 'the strongest shot' they had. Finally some waitress came to clean the bar. She noticed it had been spewed all over, and she just flung her towel over top of it and left. A few minutes later, some dude came and actually wiped it all up with bleach. Either way, Haven was wack, and we left a bit later.
It was just so bizarre. Who pukes on a bar? They couldn't even make it close to the bathroom- not even in the middle of the floor on the WAY to the bathroom. It's like they didn't even try to move from the bar at all. They didn't even turn away from the bar to yak on the ground BESIDE the bar. The culprit must have been sitting there having a dink and just all of a sudden started projectile vomiting without any warning. And it wasn't even late at night yet. It was like 11. And why didn't they clean it up? I mean, the club was NOT crowded. The puke was visable, and I'm sure people noticed the patron blowing chunks all over the place.
It seems that I've been posting quite a few genetalia blogs lately! They're just flowin' like The Jordan! I guess we know what's on my mind! I kid! I kid!
Anyways, I went to the Audubon Zoo in New Orleans over the weekend. Me and my friend were looking at the giant tortoises or turtles or whatever, and we noticed this one was all rolled over on his side. Actually, everybody noticed. A large crowd was drawing. He was all wiggling around like he was stuck- just rockin back and forth. Then me and Amy noticed that his manhood was exposed, and THAT is why everybody was so intrigued. Poor little guy. Everybody was just standing there staring at him and his junk (a bunch of pervs) pointing and laughing! Although, the tortoise/turtle DID kind of look like he was stretched out in a seductive pose with his tube steak strategically placed to lure in the ladies (lady turtles/tortoises that is). Maybe he liked the crowd? I don't know.
I also don't know if this is a weird thing to post. It seemed like a good idea when I started writing, but now I just feel uncomfortable and creeped out. I hope this entry doesn't attract a slew of people with turtle fetishes...
Anyways, here is the picture for all you weirdos: Probably not the best angle. A shot from the other side would have shown more. Actually, this view is fine. I think we've seen enough!
Over the weekend, I traveled to New Orleans to visit my best friend. We had barrels of fun, but that is besides the point. The point is that I took a plane to NOLA- Continental to be exact. Bored with my book, I decided to flip through the Sky Mall magazine. You know, the one with all the most random things that nobody would ever buy. Well, I was kind of considering shelling out the cash for the marshmallow gun., but I was able to get a hold of myself...
So anyways, I was just browsing though the pages, and I noticed that somebody had gone through the magazine and circled a bunch of pictures. Then as I got further into the publication, the circles evolved into penises and all sorts of inappropriate stuff of a sexual nature. So of course I kept reading and then decided that I had to keep the magazine.
Here are some of my favorite drawings (click to enlarge): This ad features Blitzen Family Bottle Stoppers. The artist has added giant wangs to all of the reindeer. At least the one laying down seems to be wearing a condom. I'm pretty confident that's what that is, because whoever did this also wrote "condom" on a bunch of pages. I think he was just going with that theme. This photo of a lady making up her bed has been defaced with a small bald man lying in the bed with a giant boner. In response to the giant member in her face, the lady says, "I'm ready!" Here we have a train set. The conductor is shouting, "READY FOR SEX!" A heading has also been penned labeling the train "Sex Train Oh! Oh!" This was one of my favorites. The Animatronic Singing and Talking Elvis has a floating peter stratigically placed up on his face. Then we have the message slapped ontop of the original discription, which reads "Evlis fucker super dick action." I'm sorry people. I do not mean to offend. I didn't write this. I'm just here to report. Thankfully I was there to remove the magazine so that no children thummed through the pages. I'm sure it will be safe from virgin eyes here on the internet. Hopefully they will heed the warning I attached to the heading of this post. Here we have the ultrasound toothbrush that has been altered to display a penis cleaner. You get a free condom if you buy two! By the way, I wonder how old this vandal was. From the handwriting, I'd say about six. But he/she knows some pretty adult words. Maybe it's a 25 year old with bad penmanship. It kind of seems like something I'd do. Notice I said kind of. That is because I wouldn't actually do this. I'd probably draw unicorns or guidos all over it.
WARNING: Some may find the following photo extra offensive. So stop reading here if you might be that type. I don't know if I need to describe what is going on here or not, but I will. A hovering peen is releasing it's magic juice into the kitty's water bow. Oh my. What troubled youth!
There were many many more photos. The photo advertising moccasins had a condom in the shoe. Harry Balls was scrawled across one page, and something resembling a fried egg was drawn on top of a picture of a golf course.
Anyways, I got a good laugh out of it. People are great.
The photo above was taken at the Hallmark store in Crabtree Mall.
Can you imagine a more depressing group of cards all lumped together? "Miscarriage," "Divorce," and "Recovery Support" are sad enough. Then they go and add "Menopause" and "Weight Loss Encouragement!" Well, those two are actually kind of funny to me. I'm sure that going through menopause is probably sucky and depressing, and I KNOW that giving up cakes, pies and pizzas for the sake of a smaller pant size can makes life seem lackluster and meaningless. BUT I don't think I'd want a greeting card reminding me of all that. In fact, I really don't think I'd want a card for a divorce either. Or a miscarriage! It's just funny to me that they have cards for all this stuff, and strangely, it looks like most of them have been bought up. Maybe people purchased them as jokes? Like a bunch of college kids sending out the recovery ones. Or maybe some girls who drunk eat a lot send out the weight loss encouragement? I don't know. Do you buy cards of the "unique needs" nature? Send me one!
Obviously, it is a potato shaped like a penis. If you think about it, that IS kind of amazing. I mean, it really does look like a wang! It's about four inches long. The ole guy is priced at $10, and there are only 46 minutes left to bid! According to the post, it was grown in Indiana.
The seller seems to be a real gas. Listen to what he/she said: "Add this fingerling dingaling to your collection or eat as is!"
AHAHAHA, what a riot?! Want to buy this starchy dick? Click here!
My sister was trying to point out the silly sign that said "Wedgies," but this innocent bystander got caught in the shot! It looks like Katie is actually presenting our stranger in the denim jacket! He looks so downtrodden and blue. He looks so lost! He actually looks like he might run right into my sister. Where is his group?! You shouldn't be wandering around the fair alone!
I watched Rock of Love Charm School tonight, and I'm pretty sure it's the best show ever.
I have a question though, and I feel confident in assuming that I'm not the only inquiring mind out there that is wondering WHAT THE HECK WAS UP WITH RAVEN'S HAIR?! I don't remember her from Rock of Love. I'm guessing she got voted off pretty quickly since I have no recollection of her in the series. I don't know if her hair has always been so terrible, but GOOD LORD!
The mop is obviously a wig. It has to be a wig- the worst wig I've ever seen in my entire life. For one, it is lopsided. Besides that, it's platinum blonde on a black girl (not the most natural look ever). So there is this one point in the show where Lacey tries to rip the wig off Raven's head, but it won't budge. It's stuck on there good. Lacey is like, "Ohmigod I thought it was a wig!" Well I say, it is a wig! It doesn't matter if it is stuck to her dome somehow. I think she's got it sewn on. A girl on America's Next Top Model had her wig sewn on her head before. See Raven's do for yourself: Raven is obviously delusional. You can see her black fuzz peeping out from underneath. You really have to see it on TV to get the complete idea! I feel like the gap between the wig and the head is large enough for me to slip a few fingers in. Ugh, what in the world?!?! I question the sanity of anybody who walks to the mailbox with that rug on their head- much less go on VH1 for all the world to see. Gesh, Raven! She also thinks she was put on this earth to host a new age talk show, so that may further prove my insanity claim.
Too bad Raven decided to leave the show after only one episode. I was hoping I could have a weekly segment documenting the journey of her coif!
PS- Why does Heather think she is such a rockstar?! She looked like the biggest mess out of all of those ladies, and THAT is saying A LOT! She looked like a clown/tranny/old lady who sits in her attic putting all her jewelry on. I don't even know where you buy clothes like that. I guess that's probably a good thing for me. Oh, and I can't forget the hair and makeup. Seriously, Heather?! Anyways, Heather looked like a wreck. I just had to say it.
I haven't watched Making The Band since the season 2 (I think) finale, where Diddy selected the girls who'd later make up girl group Danity Kane. Aubrey O'Day was one of two girls who got to stick around after season 1 and eventually ended up "making the band."
When I used to follow the show, I thought Aubrey was cute. She was one of my favorites. However, when the DK album came out, I lost interest. It sucked. So I didn't think about Aubrey or Danity Kane for a long time. Plus, I didn't want to watch the following Making the Band seasons, because Diddy makes me want to jump off a building. Seriously, he's so annoying!
Well, this morning I had some time to kill before going to work. I plopped down on the sofa, and I switched on the TV. Shockingly, it was set to MTV. Making the Band was on. I'm guessing whatever episode it was came from the most recent season. They were all in Cabo trying to get some guy to conquer his fear of dolphins.
Suddenly, Aubrey came on the screen and she looked DIFFERENT! It was apparent that she'd had breast implants, but her face looked weird too. Then I couldn't tell if maybe she'd just gained weight in her face, and that is why it was looking funny- or if she'd had work done on it.
Okay, let's cut to the chase (as they say in the business world- Thanks Helen Hunt!-p.s. I'm sure NOBODY got that). Here is Aubrey before:
This is when she's all natural looking, I guess. It's before she was actually SELECTED to be a part of the band. It's when I thought she still looked cute. She kind of looks like Sheryl Crow.
Still looks pretty, but different.
This is the 2nd album cover. I think she looks totally different from the 1st photo. Now we will get to the unrecognizable...
She looks like a mix between Daisy from Rock of Love and a fish.
Poor doggie!
BAH! TANOREXIC!!!!
Just not good!
Looks different to me!
And here she is again. Yes, all of these photos feature the same woman. PS- I won't even comment on her attire in these photos.
So yeah, I know that nobody cares about Aubrey O'Day, but it was just on my mind. And once something dumb like this is on my mind, I get a little OCD and it's all I can think about. That's part of the reason I started this blog! But yeah. Am I the only one who thinks she looks totally funny now? Seriously, if you get a chance (well, def don't change your plans for this but...) tune into Making the Band to see how wonky she looks. Apparently, she is getting thrown out of the band now, so that could make for a juicy episode. These pictures don't even do what I saw on the tube this morning justice.
Okay, I'll admit it- I watched the first two episodes of Paris Hilton's My New BFF(and I'll probably watch each and every episode in the future). I guess I just have an affinity for quality television. Even if I do have questionable taste when it comes to the tube, I still have a point to make. That point is this:
Above, is a photograph of Kayley Gable. She is a contestant on Paris Hilton's show, and she's also the granddaughter of Clark Gable. Besides that, she's also the house party animal. According to her bio, she's already been to rehab. At least she's trying to make positive changes!
Now, how old do you think Kayley is? Here's another photo to jog your noodle:
Well Paris is 27, and Kayley certainly looks older than her, you might think. Perhaps she's 32 or maybe 29 at the youngest?
EEHHHH!!!!!!!! WRONG ANSWER! Kayley is 22! In fact, she JUST turned 22 on the other night's episode! So on episode 1, she was only 21! Wow! What a spring chicken!
Let's take a look at some other people Kayley's age:
Ashley Tisdale is 23! A whole year older!
Amanda Bynes is 22! Lookin' good, girl!
Michelle Trachtenberg is also 22! She looks so young! So fresh faced!
Here's LC in her signature pose. Overlooking the fact that she is an annoying life ruiner, she is 22 and bangin'.
And finally, we have Leighton Meester who is 22. She looks gorg!
Oh yeah! And here's Kayley again. Ripe young 22! Just sayin'....
I went to American Way Thrift Store with my sister this weekend. We were moseying through the aisles just hunting for some bargains when something caught my eye.
A curvy little Hispanic woman was standing in front of me. She was wearing ill-fitting denim capris. They were too tight yet drooping in the back, so her underwear was sticking out of the top. And when I say they they were sticking out of the top, I'm talking like half of her ass- not just the elastic band or something.
This is not unusual, I thought. Lots of people wear unflattering pants with there underwear sticking out.
Then as I got closer, I noticed something odd about the underpants. It looked like a cushion was stuck to the seat. Ohmigosh, I thought. It's a BUTT PAD!
I always see ads for padded underwear in the back of US Weekly and Star Magazine, but I never actually thought there were people who buy them. I mean, what if you were having a moment with your boyfriend and he reached down and felt a pillow in your pants!?! How embarrassing?! Personally, I think being caught with a padded ass would be a ton more mortifying than having somebody call you out for wearing a padded bra. It's totally different!
So yes, I saw a butt pad. All along I thought they were only rumors or myths...like pockets. (<--haha, funny little inside joke). Really though, I didn't know people actually bought those. Maybe the lady's pants would have fit a little better if she had skipped the underwear fluff...just an idea.
Oh, and apparently they make drawers of this nature for the men too. From this photo, it appears that they can have the front AND the back enhanced by the cushion! Geez!!! Talk about embarassing. If my boyfriend wore boxers with a padded ass and crotch, THAT would be a deal breaker!
Let's just take a look at the evolution of Amy Winehouse.
In the picture above, you will see Amy looking fresh-faced and healthy. This is pre-ink and before she was very famous. Lookin' good, kiddo!
Next we have Amy just when Back to Black came out. She was getting more famous, and she'd lost a lot of weight. She'd started dating Blake (as you can see the tattoo of his name over her heart). Here she looks pretty normal, by famous people standards.
Ok, from here it just becomes a mess. I'm sure you're all aware of what a crackhead Winehouse has become, but I'm just amazed. Amazed that she is still alive. I'm serious! The photos are insane! Not only is she emaciated, but she is flailing around all over the place. I just can't get over it. Apparently everybody is trying to help her, but it's not working- obviously. I can't wait to see a movie about her life.
Anyways, I'm not sure of the order of the following photos, but everything I see is just worse and worse.
I know it's old news and that there are a billion other photos like these, I just can't believe she hasn't ODd or gotten locked up or flung herself into traffic or jumped off a building. I'm baffled. It's really sad, and I'm not sure she'll ever make a full recovery. OH, AMY! PLEASE GET HELP!!!
Drew Barrymore is in the commercial for CoverGirl's TruBlend. Every time I watch it, I get the feeling that Drew might've hit the Mystic one too many times before the filming. Last night, the ad came on when I was watching TV with Jen and Kitty. Wondering if I was alone in my opinions, I asked them if they thought something looked not quite right with Drew.
"OHMIGOSH, YESSSSSSS!" Jen shouted. Turns out that she has always thought her skin looks weird too. I'm not alone in this. Although, not everyone agrees. Katie thinks it is just my TV. I beg to differ.
Besides looking over-bronzed, Drew's skin looks totally blotchy! What were the commercial people thinking? Did they look at her face when they were editing the film? I mean, it's a commercial for foundation, so the skin is the number one most important thing in the advertisement! I can't believe they let this go on air! Her hair and her face are virtually the same color! And her lips too! Don't even get me started on the pucker! You can hardly tell where her mouth begins or ends. She is one big monochromatic mug!
Maybe I'm over-dramatic. It just irritates me that her skin looks so crazy in an advertisement for foundation- a foundation celebrated for it's blending powers, no less! Did something go wrong during the shoot, and they had no time to fix it?! Did Drew fall victim to an inexperienced airbrusher? What in the world?!
You be the judge, and let me know what you think!:
I love cheese. It makes any food better- except cereal or ice cream or pancakes...well, maybe it is not great on everything... EVEN SO, I love it. I like all kinds of cheese. My top favorites would be muenster, swiss, havarti, mozzarella, blue, and feta. I've always felt that my life wouldn't really be complete without cheese. I want it! I crave it!
I've finally found out why I can't get enough of this delightful dairy product! There IS an actual explanation for why I can't kick the queso!!!
CHEESE CONTAINS TRACES OF MORPHINE!!! It turns out that cows produce morphine in their liver, and this gets into the CHEESE! I'm sure you can look elsewhere and find a more scientific explanation, but I think I've nailed the main point.
It makes sense. I mean, cheese doesn't really taste like much of anything. I've often wondered why I've developed such strong feelings for the cheddar! It's because I really am an addict! If tiny traces of morphine make me like cheese this much, I better stay away from the opiates! Imagine how much I'd like herion!
REALLY THOUGH, DRUGS ARE BAD. DON'T DO OPIATES!
I think cheese is safe enough though. Just don't get all strung out or go on day long cheese sprees!
So yeah, cheese is addictive and contains morphine. Who knew eating cheese was so edgy?!
Being that I'm obsessed with Halloween costumes, I stumbled upon some get-ups for dogs. These are so funny, but it's also kind of sad- the dogs look suicidal. I am guilty of dressing Tyra up, but I take her out of the outfit if it's obvious that she's miserable in it. I mean, she has a few dresses/hoodies that she really loves- really!
So without further delay:
This dog might actually like the Yoda costume.
This makes me laugh really hard!
This one does NOT look thrilled!
This poor dog is supposed to be Kenny from South Park!
This dog looks better in her Wonder Woman costume than I do! Check out those stems!
This is a Hippie. I just thought it was weird.
And here is a crazy looking dog nurse!
After compiling that, I have decided that Tyra will not be dressing up for Halloween. Maybe I will get her a hoodie with a pumpkin on it or something. She REALLY does love those, especially right after a haircut!
The "Sexual Innuendo" category has been covered. Now we will move to the "Just Plain Absurd/Genius" group. These costumes are funnier than the sexual ones, because they make no sense whatsoever. Here we go:
This is Mr. Potato head. I think it's a riot. If I saw a guy wearing this at a party, I'd ask him to marry me. It wouldn't even matter that I couldn't tell what he looked like. The costume is THAT good.
Clearly, this is a gingerbread man costume. I like how you can see the lady's glems coyly peeping through the mouth hole. I'm considering forgetting my "Wonder Mary" outfit and sporting this instead.
I'm not sure why anybody would want to be a barrel of monkeys for Halloween. This one is totally random. Maybe they have monkey butt?
Okay! I'm a total idiot. At first, I thought this was a peace sign. YEAH, I KNOW IT'S NOT! Then I thought it was an I LOVE YOU sign! WRONG AGAIN! HOW DID I MISS THE OBVIOUS?!!? It's THE SHOCKER- ONE OF MY FAVORITE HAND GESTURES! Yeah, and this should probably go under the douchebag category, but it's already here. I can't believe the make a costume of this.
This costume embodies my worst nightmare: being attacked by fowl!!!!! Okay to be honest, my worst nightmare would balloons glued all over me, but this is a close second.
I actually kind of like this costume. It's kind of cute. It's just a little random though, and it kind of looks like she's wearing a headboard.
Yes, a toilet is a bizarre costume- mostly though, I want to point out this guy's great modeling job! He's got raw talent! Way to make a shitter look good!!! Matter of fact, I think I have a new dream job: costume modeler! I want to try all these on and look like a goof while getting my picture taken. If anybody is hiring, let me know.
I love dressing up for Halloween! I've been scouring the internets for costumes, and it looks like I've stumbled upon a website that sells the most ridiculous assortment of outfits I've ever seen. Costume Supercenter's website is like crack! I couldn't stop looking. I had to keep scrolling through until I'd seen every terrible costume there was! I've picked some of my favorites to feature (and there are a lot- although, there were A TON more that I want to show, but that would take all day). I've separated the costumes into two categories: "Sexual Innuendos" and "Just Plain Absurd/Genius." Here we go...
"Sexual Innuendos"- These are pretty much costumes reserved for total douchebags.
This one is called "The Snake Charmer." Awesome... I'm kind of speechless.
This one is "Muff Diver." Yes! They went there!!! They even have a picture of a CLAM on the scuba suit. Now, that is genius! I really wish I could read the line under the clam. All I can make out is "Experience..."
Here we have "Heart On Adult Costume." It's a naked guy wearing a heart that says, "I've got a heart on!" This is so bad that it's good. The type of guy who'd wear this is one of those who thinks he's amazing, but all the girls are just laughing AT him...not WITH him.
This tissue box exclaims "Blow Me." I like how the tissue hat makes the guy look like The Flying Nun!
This might be my favorite. It's titled "Country Lovin." I've always been a fan of the inflatable ewe, so any costume that incorporates one is alright in my book. I love how the ewe is wearing fishnet stocking on her back legs. Hmmm. Although amusing, this one is slightly disturbing. Plus the model appears to weigh like 98 pounds.
I have SO many more, but I don't have time to post them all now. CHECK BACK FOR UPDATES!
I was driving in Wake Forest, and an interesting sign caught my eye. It was a digital sign at a pharmacy, and it said "Anti Monkey Butt Powder." I had no idea what this was. I thought maybe some kids got a hold of the sign controls and just wrote some dumb junk up there for a joke. Then I thought maybe it was some kind of new age holistic pharmacy with witchcraft or vodoo medicine. Either way, I thought it was pretty hilarious and weird, so I took a picture.
I Googled the phrase when I got home, and it turns out Anti Monkey Butt Powder is an actual product. I guess monkey butt is a nice way of saying nasty, sweaty ass. According to the AMBP website, their product is:
"Ideal for butt busting activities such as truck driving, motorcycling,
bicycling, horse back riding, and extreme sports. May
also be applied inside footwear, under sports pads, and other areas prone to chafing. Indoors or outdoors, work or play, or on occasions when you sit on your butt all day, don’t let your buns get red, use Anti Monkey Butt Powder instead!"
They even have a commercial on the website with a trucker complaining about his monkey butt. Check it out here!
Now, why is it called Monkey Butt? Do monkeys experience a lot of chafing? Are they really sweaty? Do monkeys participate in a lot of truck driving or extreme sports? I know some monkeys are in films, but acting isn't one of the "butt busting activities" listed. Or perhaps they just referring to that breed of monkey with the red butt, that resembles a big ole chapped rear?
Another point of confusion: I sit on my butt a lot (I drive a lot of long distances for work), and I never experience chafing or redness from just sitting motionless. How does your butt chafe like that? I thought it had to be rubbing against something to chafe. Do they mean that the actual butt cheeks are sticking together in the crack? That is definitely a problem I have never heard of. It's sick! If this is something that happens to people, I feel for them. It would feel like their crack was full of glue or something. Maybe this happens to men? I can't imagine a problem of this nature so severe that you would need to sprinkle powder in your drawers for prevention. That seems like a big mess. I don't know...
Maybe I'm missing something. Anyways, if YOU have this dilemma, I've just solved your problem. You're welcome!
The pretzel shop Daily Dagger reminded me of a story that happened back at my beloved alma mater:
When I was in college, I
took a public speaking class. On the
first day, we had to get with a partner, tell one another about ourselves, and
then our partners would introduce us to the class.
Well, I got paired up with a
girl who we’ll call Jessica. Jessica was
very thin and very blonde. She wore
tailored jeans and high heels, even though were in an 8 a.m. summer school
class at an all girls’ school (where most everybody wore pajamas). Among other things, Jessica told me about her
love for animals. She told me she had
two cats and was majoring in biology so that she could become a
veterinarian. In fact, she was working
as a receptionist at a local vet’s office part time.
I was a freshman, searching
for my identity. I didn’t know what I
wanted to be. I hadn’t picked a
major. I hadn’t ever had a real
job. I didn’t know this girl. I wasn’t going to pour my heart out to her
about all the soul searching I’d been doing. I told her that I was from Raleigh
and that I had three sisters. I told her
that my family had a poodle and that I’d just transferred from UNC-G. She asked me where I worked, and I said that
I didn’t have a job. Then for some
random reason I threw in, “I’ve kind of always thought it would be fun to work
at a pretzel shop though. It seems fun
to swing the dough around…and I think it’d be easy…”
So I had given her some dumb
facts about myself. I guessed that I
would sound pretty normal when she introduced me, maybe a little generic, but
whatever. I mean, there were like 8
people in the class, and I figured they’d see my personality shine when we got
further into the semester and I could do my actual
speeches.
Well, finally it was our
turn to introduce ourselves. We went and
stood in front of the class together.
I went first. “This is Jessica. She’s from New England,
and she moved to NC last year to go to Meredith. Jessica has two cats, and she is studying
biology so that she can become a veterinarian.” That was pretty painless, I
thought. The hard part is over. Now I’ve
just got to stand here while she talks about me.
Jessica began. “This is Mary!” Her high pitched voice rang out, as she
gestured toward me. “Mary has lived in Raleigh for her whole
life. Well, except for one semester when
she went to UNC-G, but moved home because she didn’t like it. Mary doesn’t really know what she wants to
major in. She also doesn’t know what she
wants to be when she grows up, but she thinks she might want to work at a
pretzel shop because it’d be easy…”
I looked out at the class as
each face stared back at me. Ohmigod, I thought. Could
she have made me sound any lamer?! Jessica
had made me sound like a total loser pot-head or something. I looked like the most unmotivated person in
the world. I was the female equivalent of
Clueless’s Travis Birkenstock.
“Okkkk…” the professor
said. “Thank you Jessica, and what was
it again…oh yes, Mary. Thank you, both!”
I shuffled back to my seat,
silently vowing to never speak with Jessica again.
All of a sudden, my neighborhood is full of mushrooms and batshit crazy squirrels. The mushrooms aren't really a problem. They're just random, and they're huge. I have always had a strong desire to step on or kick giant mushrooms, but I'm really fighting that this time around. I want to leave them intact because they're pretty much textbook toadstools. The structure is flawless. I saw one the other day with a cap the size of a knit beret! Anyways, I find it odd that I've never seen a single mushroom around here, and now there are like a hundred. I took a picture of some, and I rather fancy my photo. So I will share: Beautiful, isn't it?
Now the squirrels are more of a nuisance. For one, my dog wants to chase them all over the place. This distracts her from urinating/defecating quickly in the morning, which in turn leaves me running around in front of the house like a lunatic wearing PJs and a coif that could be the result of a crossbreed between Don King and Martha Washington.
Besides that, the squirrels have been having an acorn war of sorts. The A/C unit is right outside my window. It's large and metal, as I assume most A/C units are. Well the squirrels sit in a big tree right by the unit and dive-bomb acorns onto the hard surface. When the acorns hit the A/C unit, it creates a loud clangy noise. From the noise these nuts are producing, I imagine these acorns to be the size of human toddlers. It's insane, and it wakes me up. The other day I woke up at like 6 a.m. wondering why in the world my roommate would be walking around in stilettos at that hour. I thought maybe she was getting ready for work early. Then I realized it was THE SQUIRRELS. They are relentless!
I just wanted to share my experience so that if others are going through the same thing, they'll know that they're not alone. Maybe my story can help somebody.
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