Cliff Pant-one

"Most Annoying Person on Reality TV" Title Handed Down to Aliea

Cliff Pant-one will be handing down the title of "Most Annoying Person on Reality TV" from Lacey of Rock of Love to Aliea from The Bad Girls Club.  Here's why:

Aliea thinks that she is a "bad girl."  All she is is an insecure hypocrite who talks trash to get everybody rilled up.  She would never hold her own in a fight.  She is always threating to kick Amber's ass, but the one time she ever did anything, she kicked Amber in the stomach when other people were holding her down.  Not very hardcore.   The only time she can hurt somebody is when they're totally defenseless?  She could have fought Amber when she was on the patio in LA, when she was flinging lawn tables all around?  But no.  She waited until Amber was curled in a ball on the ground and kicked her in the stomach so many times that she bruised her foot.  That is MESSED up!

Then the next day, she (along with others) gloated about it.  She said stuff like, "Amber can't handle it.  She's probably never been jumped before."  Have you been jumped Aleia?  Sorry, if you have, but it's not just a normal thing that happens.  It's probably pretty hard to deal with.  If YOU got jumped, I'm willing to bet that you'd be reacting even worse than Amber. Especially if hardly anybody was on your side, and it was 2 against 5.

On top of the fighting situation, Aliea:

• Talks baby talk
• Does things like stand on the table looking at her flowers, thinking she is adorable
• Wear suspenders and tall socks
• Is a total hypocrite, because she talks shit all day long and then gets INSANE about people talking shit.  She actually just gets insane for no reason.  Somebody will be mad, and then she's just eggs them on.  Then she trys to turn everybody against weak targets.
• She cheats on her boyfriend
• She cried about going Speed Dating because she is insecure and wants attention and for people to ask her what is wrong (just like she accused Amber of doing after being JUMPED, which is a lot more serious than SPEED DATING)

I really could go on all day.  Aliea is the most annoying person on TV, period.  I don't know if anybody will ever be able to steal her crown.  But this is actually a serious issue.  Aliea has some real problems if she treats people the way she does, sceming and manipulating because of her own weakness and insecurity.  So she really needs help.  And apparently she has already been in a mental hospital, so I'm guessing she knows that something she is doing is not right.

Also, young girls who are watching this need to know that it is NEVER okay to fight.  Most all of these girls are weak people who are letting anger get the best of them.  They never make any sense when they're talking.  They are total followers.  And JUMPING people is especially never okay!  It kind of makes me mad that they would show something like that on reality TV, but I guess they can show whatever they want.  I just feel like this is going to make teenage girls think that it's okay to be catty, bitchy, manipulative, constantly drunk, irrational, immature, aggressive, explosive, and all the other things that The Bad Girls are.   

The Rephresh Commercial Makes Me VERY Uncomfortable.

I hope this never comes on when I have a boy over!

Spotted: Pervy Guy on I-40

My sister and I were driving home from South Point Mall on I-40.  Coasting along next to us was a black Chevrolet Aveo with FL tags.  Inside was a normal looking man.  He was probably in his late 20s with a slim build and black gelled hair.  He was wearing sleek sunglasses and a slippery looking black zip up jacket.  He kind of reminded me of Neo in The Matrix.

So we were just driving away, minding our own business, when something caught KT's eye.  "What is that guy doing?" She asked.  "Are those thongs?"

I turned to look, and she was right.  The man had a handful of multicolored G-strings in his fist.  He was driving with his wrists, and shifting through the panties.  It appeared that he was counting them. 

"Well, that's weird," I said.

"Yeah." 

We drove on some more. 

"OHMIGOD, Mary!"  KT shouted.  "NOW HE HAS A DILDO!"

I looked over, and sure enough, the man was holding an average sized Caucasian rubber schlong. Before I could shake off my shock, the guy flings the white peen onto the passenger seat and grabs a VERY large African American model; this one was complete with balls. 

At this point we were driving erratically (no longer minding our own business) trying to see what this guy was going to do next.  Well we were in for a treat, because next he stuck the giant black d*ck in his MOUTH!  Yes in the pie-hole the member went. 

We were in shock!  What in the world?!  This average looking guy was just driving down 40 sticking man-made genitalia in his mouth.  Now I've seen it all!  I really don't know how I see so many weird things all the time.  I'm a magnet for weirdos.

So then we regained our composure, and the man exited on Harrison Ave.  Maybe he was making a  porno at The Umstead Hotel?  Or maybe he was just making a pit stop at the ChickFila.  I have no idea. 

XOXO Cliff Pant-one

X-Mas Songs: Karen Carpenter has a nasty mind!

I’ll start by saying that I’m not a huge fan of Christmas music.  Call me Scrooge, I don’t care!  I’ve been called worse!  But whether I like them or not, seasonal songs are inescapable.  That said, I’ve noticed some weird Christmas song lyrics, and I will be highlighting them up until the point when I stop hearing them.

In The Carpenters classic “Merry Christmas Darling,”  Karen belts out, “logs on the fire fill me with desire.”  To me, that sounds weird.  It sounds like she’s getting all randy thinking about logs.  My sister agrees with me.  “LOGS ON THE FIRE FILL ME WITH DESIRE…”  Oh Karen!  It seems that she's able to turn the least suggestive objects raunchy.  If stumpy old burning logs are filling her with desire, I wonder what happens when she sees a candy cane.  And let’s not even dare to imagine what she’d do upon catching sight of a Hickory Farms Summer Sausage (they ARE a holiday favorite)!

Okay so the song does go on to say, “logs on the fire fill me with desire to see you and say, ‘Marry Christmas, darling’” It makes more since that way, but she kinda mumbles that last part out.  I’m sticking to my theory that Karen Carpenter is hot in the trousers for fire logs.

Spotted: "Happy" Turtle/Tortoise

It seems that I've been posting quite a few genetalia blogs lately!  They're just flowin' like The Jordan!  I guess we know what's on my mind!  I kid! I kid! 

Anyways, I went to the Audubon Zoo in New Orleans over the weekend.  Me and my friend were looking at the giant tortoises or turtles or whatever, and we noticed this one was all rolled over on his side.  Actually, everybody noticed.  A large crowd was drawing. He was all wiggling around like he was stuck- just rockin back and forth.  Then me and Amy noticed that his manhood was exposed, and THAT is why everybody was so intrigued. Poor little guy.  Everybody was just standing there staring at him and his junk (a bunch of pervs) pointing and laughing!  Although, the tortoise/turtle DID kind of look like he was stretched out in a seductive pose with his tube steak strategically placed to lure in the ladies (lady turtles/tortoises that is). Maybe he liked the crowd?  I don't know. 

I also don't know if this is a weird thing to post.  It seemed like a good idea when I started writing, but now I just feel uncomfortable and creeped out.  I hope this entry doesn't attract a slew of people with turtle fetishes...

Anyways, here is the picture for all you weirdos:
Probably not the best angle.  A shot from the other side would have shown more.  Actually, this view is fine.  I think we've seen enough!

XOXO- Mr. Pant-one

Spotted: Perverted Scribblings in Sky Mall Magazine (X-RATED Not for the faint of heart)

Over the weekend, I traveled to New Orleans to visit my best friend.  We had barrels of fun, but that is besides the point.  The point is that I took a plane to NOLA- Continental to be exact.  Bored with my book, I decided to flip through the Sky Mall magazine.  You know, the one with all the most random things that nobody would ever buy.  Well, I was kind of considering shelling out the cash for the marshmallow gun., but I was able to get a hold of myself... 

So anyways, I was just browsing though the pages, and I noticed that somebody had gone through the magazine and circled a bunch of pictures.  Then as I got further into the publication, the circles evolved into penises and all sorts of inappropriate stuff of a sexual nature.  So of course I kept reading and then decided that I had to keep the magazine. 

Here are some of my favorite drawings (click to enlarge):
This ad features Blitzen Family Bottle Stoppers.  The artist has added giant wangs to all of the reindeer.  At least the one laying down seems to be wearing a condom.  I'm pretty confident that's what that is, because whoever did this also wrote "condom" on a bunch of pages.  I think he was just going with that theme.
This photo of a lady making up her bed has been defaced with a small bald man lying in the bed with a giant boner.  In response to the giant member in her face, the lady says, "I'm ready!"
Here we have a train set.  The conductor is shouting, "READY FOR SEX!"  A heading has also been penned labeling the train "Sex Train Oh! Oh!" 
This was one of my favorites.  The Animatronic Singing and Talking Elvis has a floating peter stratigically placed up on his face.  Then we have the message slapped ontop of the original discription, which reads "Evlis fucker super dick action."  I'm sorry people.  I do not mean to offend.  I didn't write this.  I'm just here to report. Thankfully I was there to remove the magazine so that no children thummed through the pages.  I'm sure it will be safe from virgin eyes here on the internet.  Hopefully they will heed the warning I attached to the heading of this post.
Here we have the ultrasound toothbrush that has been altered to display a penis cleaner.  You get a free condom if you buy two!  By the way, I wonder how old this vandal was.  From the handwriting, I'd say about six.  But he/she knows some pretty adult words.  Maybe it's a 25 year old with bad penmanship.  It kind of seems like something I'd do.  Notice I said kind of.  That is because I wouldn't actually do this.  I'd probably draw unicorns or guidos all over it.

WARNING: Some may find the following photo extra offensive.  So stop reading here if you might be that type.
I don't know if I need to describe what is going on here or not, but I will.  A hovering peen is releasing it's magic juice into the kitty's water bow.  Oh my.  What troubled youth!

There were many many more photos.  The photo advertising moccasins had a condom in the shoe.  Harry Balls was scrawled across one page, and something resembling a fried egg was drawn on top of a picture of a golf course.

Anyways, I got a good laugh out of it.  People are great.

XOXO~ Cliffy